For Love Itself

“For Love”

(not for love of something or someone but for Love itself)

knocking
knocking at your door
i am prostrate at the altar of you
i run and hide and rage
only to return 
humbled
by the knowing
that without you
i am merely a rented costume
empty of meaning
or life
i bow in reverence 
and to reverence i return
it is only in the space of you
that i become truly alive
anything else is merely existence
as my heart breaks open
i know i am expanding 
this
this is why
they call it growing pains

 

 
Published in: on January 26, 2014 at 5:51 am  Comments (3)  

Thank You and Please Don’t “Fix” Me

Tears flow from a seemingly endless reservoir…

i know things will be fine.

i don’t need to be told.

It is patronizing

when the heart hurts this much

to try to “fix” me…

when all there is to do

is cry until I feel I might die in it.

 

I know there is nothing “True”

and all pain and suffering comes from

illusions of the mind.

i know to breathe, notice, let it go…

i don’t need to be told.

i don’t need to be told,

“This too shall pass.”

 

In this moment,

what is “true”

is that I am feeling

a deep and intense and overwhelming

sadness and grief…

and tears

that feel like razor blades

dismembering my heart and gut

wishing to die

because living in this pain is so much worse.

And yes, I know, I know, I know—

i am just dying to self,

dying to ego,

dying to letting go of illusion.

 

I don’t need to be told.

It is patronizing

when the heart hurts this much

to try to “fix” me.

 

It is patronizing

when the heart hurts this much

to try to “fix” me.

 

Please just let me be.

 

Don’t try to fix me.

 

Please just let me be.

And if you feel so moved…

maybe just love me…

without needing anything in return.

Without words even.

Just love me.

Because if there is anything that will

ease this sadness,

it is that soft energetic feeling,

like a gentle blanket,

of being held

without restraint, constraint, or restrictions,

rules or regulations,

qualifiers or quantifiers, or the need to teach or preach…

just that soft feeling of being held and loved.

 

For no reason.

For nothing earned or deserved.

For no reason.

 

And meanwhile I will sit here,

with tears pouring out of the hole in my soul

as my heart shatters and

my gut is sliced and spilling out into the abyss…

 

 

julia butterfly hill c January  23, 2014

Published in: on January 24, 2014 at 12:54 am  Comments (10)  

In Honor of Friends, FRamily, Birthdays, and Blessings

Tomorrow is the birthday of the woman who has been co-worker, ally, friend, and now, my closest sister to me in my FRamily– and so much more. Alissa Hauser Last year, i was inspired by her response to the shootings at Sandy Hook. 

I was so touched by her generosity in the face of tragedy (spurred by the shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary School) that i wanted to truly stretch beyond my normal giving nature, so i chose to donate to a different organization/s each month for a year in honor of her birthday and her husband Steve Brown (January 22nd birthday.) To see the inspiration behind my commitment, go to: http://28acts.tumblr.com/ 

For those of you who have followed my journey this last year, you know that i struggled on many levels– including financially. And part of the reason, i wanted to make such a big commitment around giving is that i know the best way to move beyond our own limitations (especially those that involve a feeling or experience of scarcity) is to give beyond reason. i made a commitment that i would give every month. i did not set a specific amount. Rather i chose to give at whatever level was a stretch for me that particular month. 

And so i did. i gave every single month for a year. And of course, when standing in the space of generosity, in the midst of scarcity, blessings upon blessings of support also showed up in my life. 

My personal life and my work is profoundly impacted by the gift of Alissa Hauser in it. i am a much better person for knowing her and having her in my life. And Steve Brown has been so supportive of Alissa, and often times volunteering his own time and expertise to various projects and campaigns we have done and/or been involved with. Plus, he lets me descend on his home and set up camp when i am in the area, and has been so supportive of me including when i was healing from various surgeries and health challenges. These two embody what we mean, when we say “FRamily.” 

And to see how Alissa’s generosity continues to grow, inspire, and motivate– as well as how to join in the giving, go to:http://thepollinationproject.org/2013/12/30/every-day-givingtuesday/

Love and Bountiful Blessings of Kindness and Generosity. 

i will list all the groups i can remember that i gave to in this last year, just in case you are inspired to contribute to one or more of them as well. i did not actually keep track of all of them, so these are the ones i can remember.

Winnemum Wintu tribe. i have worked with them and contributed to them in various capacities for many years.http://www.winnememwintu.us/

Honor The Earth doing incredible work on so many fronts.http://www.honorearth.org/

i have said for many, many years, “i wish i could have had a RUCKUS training BEFORE i went into Luna! Would have made such a HUGE difference for me. And they are making a HUGE difference in many communities giving some of the best trainings and support out there!
http://ruckus.org/

i am a founding and ongoing donor and adviser for Women’s Earth Alliance. i am very proud not only of WHAT they do, but also, HOW they do what they do!!http://www.womensearthalliance.org/

Oceana is doing great work for our Oceans. i supported them in particular because of the great work they are doing in Belize!http://oceana.org/

Sustainable Harvest International does wonderful work all over Central America. i supported them because of the great work they are doing in Belize which has been my home for the last 3 years.http://www.sustainableharvest.org/

When i met Adam Bucko and saw his unique and important approach for working with homeless youth with the Reciprocity Foundation, i instantly became a fan and supporter and have continued to be for years. http://www.reciprocityfoundation.org/Also check out his book co-authored with Matthew Foxhttp://www.spiritualityandpractice.com/books/books.php?id=25493

The Center For Biological Diversity is one of my favorite environmental organizations. i became an even bigger supporter of their great work when they started tackling the very big and intense challenge and issue of overpopulation and the impact that has on our beautiful planetary home.http://www.biologicaldiversity.org/

Those who know me closely, know that i have a HUGE place in my heart for all the children and teens who are already here on Mother Earth who need loving homes and support and that i am a HUGE advocate that people of privilege stop bringing any more beings onto our already overburdened Mother Earth and instead either adopt or give time and resources to supporting the young people already her. i am proud to be a supporter of Ambassadors of Hope and Opportunity. http://www.ahoproject.org/

i have been a supporter of various efforts, organizations, and individuals in this region of Arizona for many, many years. Having a permanent home is crucial to helping provide long-term sustainability for organizations and community efforts, so i contributed to the down payment for the Siléi Community Empowerment Project. http://oybm.org/give-a-gift-of-solidarity-support-help-silei-community-empowerment-project-with-final-down-payment/

And i supported my friend Michael Bock in his bicycle climate ride that raised money for great groups working on the global climate change issue. 

Hope you found this post inspiring, empowering, and useful! And feel free to share!  

 

Love and Blessings and Generosity Beyond Reason,

julia

Published in: on January 11, 2014 at 7:39 pm  Comments (3)