The Grand Experiment

Dear Whomever Reads This,

i write this because it keeps going through my mind.  i have learned to listen to my inner voice… the one that is often times more quiet than the cacophony around me.  Sometimes, it is the voice in my mind below even the chatter and cacophony of the surface there.

i just want you to know that i love you.

As simple, silly, fluffy, “New Age” and B.S. as this might sound.  i am committed to living my life as a journey, expression, honor, and experiment of what it means to live my life fully as love in action.  Often times, i find myself filled with disgust, rage, frustration, apathy, and deep and profound hurt and grief.  i fall very, very far short of my commitment.  i am a human being who has deep and intense emotions, feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and values.  i do not always feel that “i love you.”  And it is exactly for these reasons, that i post this entry.

As a dear friend, co-worker, ally, and FRamily (our term for friends who become family) says, “Sometimes, we just have to throw our hat over the fence first and then figure out how to go get it.”  What she means by this is that sometimes we have to get committed to something even before we know exactly how we are going to accomplish it.

i have struggled with so much grief, hurt, and ensuing rage or numbness for as long as i have memories.  i feel deeply the feelings of “hate” and “disgust” almost every day.  People are often times shocked when they hear or see this less than “enlightened” side of myself.  But to “enlighten” means “to bring light to.” So i shine the light on my less than perfect self, my very messy self in order to bring light to my very human journey.  i do not experience “enlightenment” as a journey away from myself, but rather a journey into the deepest exploration of myself, and in doing so, learning to acknowledge all of me.

We can not truly “heal” the world (true healing only happens in wholeness) if we are bringing only a piece, a fragmentation, of our most authentic selves to the process.

This does not mean however, that i must or should behave in a way that you or others translate as “love”.  Love is not always soft, submissive, or nice.  Sometimes Love demands buffer zones (think protecting critical habitat for endangered species including the human animal’s personal well-being in this.)   Or just loving one’s self in the whole process of the experiment of love and being a stand for loving kindness and compassion for one’s self in personal relationships (for example in choosing to leave abusive relationships.)  Sometimes, Love is a very, very fierce stand.  And it may upset and shake up people, moments, experiences, etc…

But at the end of the day, i know wether it truly was love guiding me or not based on if there was judgment in the space of my thoughts or love calling forth my thoughts, words, and actions.

This evening, as i type this, i say “i love you” from the part of me that acknowledges how often i feel no such thing.

i write this because i know that i have to throw my hat over the fence in order to grow, transform, and be the person i am committed to being.  i will fall short.  Very short.  i will have many moments filled with disgust, rage, hatred, apathy, and heart break.  And i will throw my hat over the fence again and again to see how much closer i can get to meaning it when i say it… and meaning it always… in the face of how deeply i grieve and hurt… “i love you.

In this Grand Experiment called “Life” and “Love”,

julia

Published in: on August 29, 2012 at 6:47 am  Comments (35)