I am on the road again. It is a challenge for me, more and more as the years go by. Especially now that I have finally found home—something I have been longing and searching for years—it is even harder to go on the road.
I have such great events on this trip; I am truly excited and blessed to be a part of them. And at the same time, I have been having near panic attacks leading up to it and the first days of being out of Belize. I am practicing deep breathing, yoga, the things I know help center, balance, and ground me. But my inner girl, some deep part of my physiology has been on deep revolt. I hear the constant hum and buzz of the city and my body goes into flight mode… “Get Me OUT OF HERE!!!!!” it screams at me. All the people rushing around, all the lights, all the staring at clothes and cars as if they signify the person; it feels like an assault on my senses.
My whole life I have struggled with being so sensitive. I feel things so very deeply, that I have a hard time processing it all. I have learned many skills, tools, and resources to help me with it, and yet, it is still very, very challenging for me. And now that I finally found a more quiet and peaceful home, it is even more intense to throw myself back into the chaos. I feel like such an alien when I look around me and I cannot for the life of me understand why we think and do so much of what we do. Line from a poem that came through me many years ago, “So I raise my glass high and toast to the hypocrisy of you/ We trade in the old for a cheaper rendition of new…” I look around and all I see is cheap junk sold to the next hungry soul, and empty eyes constantly looking to fill the void that can never be authentically filled in this morass of surface surfing that has become our industrialized world.
I am on the train as I write this, travelling from Frankfurt to Kassel in Germany. Passing urban farms and solar-topped roofs, knowing Germany has committed to completely phasing out of nuclear power by 2020 brings some joy and peace to my nervous system. The train system in Europe is light years ahead of the US and much more affordable—maybe that has something to do with why all the cars are packed full of people using them. In the US, the public transit system is dismal in most areas and has less ridership as the fares go up and the routes, stops, and customer service goes down. In Belize where I am based now there are many forms of transportation, although most buses are very old style school buses and because of my lung and hip issues, I can’t ride them very far because of diesel fumes and uncomfortable seats. Luckily, there are many boat options for travelling in the areas I like and need to be in Belize, so I have that option as well. Of course, I love my home so much, that I very rarely leave it unless I have to.
I am going to Kassel for a Youth Symposium with 500 youth leaders from across Germany. I am really looking forward to this event as I know I will be so inspired and motivated being around all the young people who, in their teens, are already committed and working on issues ranging from environmental protection to human rights to animal rights, etc…
I know I always get what I look for, so I am looking to be inspired, happy, and motivated myself—even as I am dealing with my body and something very deep within me revolting at being on the road again. I know that next year I will be travelling even less. I have to find more ways to be in service and very importantly as well, to earn right livelihood without so much travelling. I am working on some books because that is one way I know to be able to contribute and earn income without having to travel. We will see what all emerges.
For now, I sign off as I fly through the countryside of Germany on a train. I am focusing on my gratitude for this comfortable, beautiful, and more environmentally respectful form of travel.