Nuclear is NOT a solution, The Mess That Is Me, and other random thoughts

Hello Again,

I haven’t written in a while, mostly because I have been feeling worn out, stretched thin, and struggling with feeling disillusioned… again.   I notice the more I am in cities and away from nature, the more I am around people and the less time I have to myself, the more I find myself struggling.   And dealing with intense physical trauma and pain has left me feeling even more weak and worn thin.

Recently, I heard that Earth Island Institute (EII—an organization I have worked with and partnered with a lot over the years) had decided to host an event on the topic of nuclear energy.  The event was highlighting the message of a man who proclaims to be an environmentalist who is pro-nuclear power.  This man has done a lot of writing around the environment, but as I told EII, just because someone writes a lot about the environment doesn’t make them an environmentalist anymore than someone writing about Christianity does not make them a Christian.  Both are about a practice not just a thought or a book.  I met this man in person a long while before he came out being pro-nuclear, and I had no respect for him even then.  His profound lack of integrity and racist mentality (although I know he and others would not perceive himself that way and would be highly offended at that critique) in his conversation with me had me leaving the meeting flabbergasted that so many people considered him a respectable and credible environmental leader.   And even worse for me around this event was the fact that EII was using his own propaganda about himself to promote the event, giving him credibility he absolutely does not deserve.  Furthermore, the event was two white well-off men “debating” nuclear with absolutely no representation of the communities whose lives are absolutely being destroyed by nuclear today from radioactive emissions leaking from power plants, storing of nuclear waste, and mining of the radioactive material used in making nuclear power.  And considering the communities most negatively impacted are poor communities and Native communities, having two privileged white men debating an issue that absolutely has a class, race, and cultural impact was perpetuating the ongoing legacy of environmental racism that is sadly all too alive and well even in the world today.

Although I appreciate a lot of the good that EII does, I was sickened, disgusted, saddened, and enraged about this event.  I contacted EII immediately to tell them how horrible the event they had created was—especially considering that organizations under their fiscal sponsorship work directly with communities negatively impacted by nuclear.  They were highly defensive and did not get my critique.  Of course, considering this event was predominantly driven by two very well meaning white men, it was not shocking to me that they didn’t get it.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not attacking the fact that they are white nor that they are male.  These are men I actually have a lot of care and appreciation for. It is just that I have had to do a whole lot of learning myself around the destructive legacy of white culture and it’s connection to global colonialism and imperialism, and it’s connection to an on-going racism that is often times so hidden and interwoven into all the structures of our society that many do not see it nor understand it when it is pointed out.  I have found that those of us who are very well meaning and work hard at making the world a better place, knee-jerk react oftentimes when the lens of racism, sexism, and classism is brought into the conversation.

As a white woman who is committed to healing the wounds on the Earth and in people, I have had to do a lot of hard and painful work around race, class, and gender.  And I have a lifetime of learning and working to do around this.   So I do not throw these issues around carelessly.  I am, however, committed to bringing them forth and calling them out when necessary—especially when it is my well meaning, white allies.   Our well meaning-ness can often times get in the way of seeing the bigger and deeper picture.   And I include myself in this critique and am aware that I have my own shortcomings

On top of all of this, was my intense and fierce sense of protectiveness of all the generations to come who will inherit our toxic legacy of nuclear waste with a “good luck dealing with our mess” mentality.  And I am very present to all the people killed, maimed, and diseased and dying from the Chernobyl meltdown.  And to make this already personal issue to me even more personal, I lived across from Three Mile Island in Pennsylvania when it melted down.  I was five years old.  I got sick.  As far as I am aware, I was the only one in my family who did.  For days, I felt sick to my stomach, my mouth tasted like I was chewing on copper pennies, and whenever I blinked, I saw spots like what happens from having too many pictures taken with insanely bright lights.  Many years ago as I was recalling this, I called my father to make sure I wasn’t making it up that we lived across from TMI when it melted down.  I was only 5 after all.  My dad said yes indeed we did live across from it, and he was surprised I remembered it.  I told him I remembered the above feelings in my body and that is why I remembered it.  It was not a mental thing, it was a visceral, physical memory.

So, of course, I am even more outraged around nuclear! It is pro-nuclear people who see children like I was and people like those at Chernobyl as “necessary casualties.”  Part of my rage around this issue is my fighting fiercely for the innocent child I was then, and all the innocent people today and children of tomorrow whose lives do not matter to a society addicted to over-consuming and wasting resources, including energy.

Unfortunately, when I did not hear that groups within Earth Island Institute were standing up to EII about this event, I got very triggered because of all the above-mentioned reasons.  And I am so used to often being alone in the realm of perceived leadership within the environmental community addressing the hard issues like population, consumption, disposables, and the unnecessary eating of animals for food, I immediately went into my place of, “Oh, great, here I go again—being one of the only people willing to speak up about it and take the backlash that almost always accompanies it.”  I misinterpreted hearing nothing to mean that nothing was happening.  Because I was also worn, tired, depleted and in pain physically as well, it made me react impulsively and vent publicly out of pain and frustration without doing due diligence ahead of time to be clear on the facts.  It is so unlike me.  I know better.  And I felt horrible when I realized that actually organizations within Earth Island were telling them that they did indeed need to rethink their event.  I immediately owned my mistake and the negative impact that had on organizations and people I care about very much.  It doesn’t undo my mistake at all.  But I did my best to take full responsibility and accountability for my actions.

I then contacted EII again to see if they were going to cancel the event after hearing from others that the event as planned was not an appropriate event for them to be hosting.  I was very happy to hear they had indeed cancelled the event.  Although I know they plan to still do some event around this issue, and I doubt very much that I will like the way they do it even then, my heart is happy to know that it will at least have more representation of the communities whose lives are actually being directly devastated by nuclear energy.  I am also very happy to know that Women’s Earth Alliance ( and Sacred Lands Film Project ( (both organizations I have worked closely with and have a lot of respect for) are now involved in consulting EII on how to have a more honest representation of the real impacts of nuclear energy.  I strongly encourage you to check out the work of both WEA and SLFP and consider supporting them financially to insure they can continue with their powerful and important work!

Even with the win of stopping a very bad event from moving forward, I was left feeling disheartened, disillusioned, and disconnected.  It made me, yet again, question why I do what I do.  I have been seriously considering what it would be for me to stop public speaking all together, to get out of the environmental field, and just do something like be someone’s personal health-food chef on a nice tropical island somewhere.  Even after all these years, I still struggle deeply with feeling at odds with the public person I have become.  I have never reconciled it, and I have not found peace with it.  It is hard for me.  I seem to be able to be highly effective at helping others in their lives, work, and life’s work, and yet here I am, all these years later, still struggling with the same issues.  I have done so much work, coaching, prayer, taken sabbatical, rearranged how I do events, lessened the amount of events that I do, etc… and still I find myself on “rewind, play” as I call it.  Like a song that just keeps playing over and over.  I am bored and annoyed at and with myself.  And being in the city (even though I am living in a very sweet, beautiful, and loving surrounding) and dealing with a sever injury and challenging healing process makes it even harder for me to find the balance and health I need to thrive.

All too frequently, I struggle with depression and wanting to throw in the towel.  I have had enough of hurting from caring.  And yet, I know that caring and being in service is what brings meaning to my life, so I feel the irony of it all too poignantly.

In the midst of feeling sad, depressed, and wanting to give up, I had to go to the east coast for a conference.  It was supposed to be a part of a block of events which would then lead up to me going to visit my family in Florida and Alabama, but two other major events did not finalize, so now I was having to travel all the way across the country for one event—which I NEVER do!  It is not a way to honor the Earth’s resources, nor my own.  But by the time the other two events did not finalize, I was already committed to the North Carolina Governor’s Conference for Women, it was a date specific conference, and they were long into promoting my participation.  There was no way I was going to cancel on their event because of the break down on my end around logistics.

Late the night before my flight, I went to check in an online, and I found that even though I had specifically more than once told the event organizers that I need an aisle seat, their travel agency had booked me in middle seats for both flights and by this time there were no open aisle seats left.

It seems so small, but it was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.  See, the thing is, not only am I dealing with intense pain in my knee and need to be able to move it and stretch it, what caused my ligament in my knee to tear in the first place is a degenerative bone diseased in my hips called hip dysplasia which is excruciatingly painful for me if I am confined to small spaces for very long without being able to stretch and move (think rusty ice pick that has been in a fire for a few hours that now is scraping around in your hip socket—and that is not an exaggeration.)

I was so depleted, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically, that I had a melt-down, sobbing uncontrollably, and called my manager leaving a blubbering message about how I did not know how I was going to be able to take two entire flights of severe, excruciating pain, and that I was at my last thread, and had just snapped.  I was an absolutely pathetic mess.

Then after a good long sobbing session, it seemed to clear a bit of the block out of the way, and I put my “get over yourself and get back to work” hat on, and called the airline, told them of my dilemma, and wouldn’t you know it there were still a couple seats on both flights that were aisle seats that were held just for emergencies like mine and hadn’t been claimed yet.  Glory, hallelujah!  I started laughing with delight and told the woman she couldn’t possibly even begin to understand what a difference she had just made for me.  I thanked her profusely and hung up the phone.  And then, I started busting up laughing at myself, and my little melt down drama.

I so very rarely have meltdowns.  I struggle frequently with sadness, grief, anger, and cynicism, but I tend to just manage that internally.  I have a very long fuse and I almost never “lose it” so to speak.  The next morning I chatted with my manager who is also one of my very best friends in the world.  I told him I had worked out the problem, and I was sorry for having a melt down on his answering machine, but I thanked him for it and told him it somehow helped me get myself out of my downward spiral spin out.

Then, I walked to BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit public transportation) and took the hour-long ride to the airport, got on the plane and headed out to North Carolina still dealing a little with the aftermath of such an intense week and a half or so, but a little more ready to get myself in the right frame of mind to show up as powerfully as I could for the Women’s Conference.

Plus, I had a friend waiting for me at the hotel whom I have known for around 8 years or so, but whom I have not seen in around 4 years.  I was looking forward to reconnecting in person after all these years and that gave me a silver lining in the raining on my parade cloud that had just consumed and drenched me.

When I arrived at the hotel after a very long day of travel, I was greeted with a good, long hug and yummy, organic food and drinks by my friend, which along with a shower, helped revive me.  We went out for vegan sushi and saki, which made the world look even brighter.  As most people are aware, I am such a push over for good food and drinks.  : )

And with that, I think I will end this long, drawn out, overly dramatic, all over the place entry.

A hint for what is next… I LOVED the North Carolina Governor’s Conference for Women.  But that will be the next post.

For now, I am beginning a meditation of who would I be if I woke up tomorrow with no memory.  It is intriguing me.  I want to try to uncover how to rediscover and reinvent myself if possible.  Even though I have tried this before, it feels like time to do it again.  I am not sure where it will lead.  But I imagine I will probably write about it.  Because that is what I seem to do…

Although if I reinvent myself, maybe that too will change.

Until then,


the mess that is me

Published in: on November 11, 2010 at 1:58 am  Comments (60)  

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60 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Reading this was timely, and made me smile. Thank You.

  2. Julia!

    you are not alone
    you touch my yin and my yang

  3. As someone who has been a direct victim of the nuclear industry and who’s father died as result of direct contamination by radioactive material I know how exhausting activism can be. But I believe I have confronted the same person you speak of directly on an NPR program and I can tell you this man is delusional.

  4. Dear Julia, you are so wonderful for sharing this! you know you are too hard on yourself. Those “meltdowns” were both appropriate. You are not super-human, and don’t need to be.
    The key, of course, is what you said at the beginning, that when you are more in the cities and away from nature, you lose your balance. Like everyone else.
    So yes, please take some time off and reconnect with Mother Earth, with the original source of your strength.
    Here’s the inspiration that came to me last winter when I was able to do this for 4 weeks alone at home in the mountains (where you would always be welcome):

    ~We are Cells in Earth’s Body
    When we get an injury:
    energy is sent to the cells who can help.
    Gaia is now giving energy to those of us who
    are helping.
    The more severe the injury gets,
    the stronger the healing energy grows.
    The more we connect with the Earth,
    the more we will be strengthened and guided
    the faster the energy will spread to others
    the more smoothly the planet will heal.
    Our response is more diverse than the problem.
    We’ve got it surrounded by little grassroots
    movements all over the world — everything from
    recycling to spiritual ceremonies. The more we
    become aware of each other, our strength will

    Please get in touch any time. There are things that you could do with me and my friends at the relaxed pace that we need to stay in tune with Earth’s balance.

  5. Lloyd,

    i am so sorry to hear of the loss of your father to radioactive contamination and the impact on you. i am so glad to hear you had the opportunity to confront the nuclear industry and its proponents– dressed in sheep’s clothing. Thank you for your courage and your commitment and conviction to speak the truth to the lies!


  6. what pleasent news thx for sharing i was becoming concerned about u but it sounds like your out of the nosedive and just need to relight the jets in a low carbon burn way lol, WB happy thoughts

    like the amnesia idea but i’m still getting dragged back to my things till the marrow me-lady wish u pleasent dreams and keep u in my prayers

  7. Julia,

    Thank you so much for sharing your experience with the Three Mile Island meltdown and for mentioning the Chernobyl disaster as well. Radioactive contamination wreaks havoc on children, whose immune systems haven’t fully developed.

    In 1993, I traveled to Belarus and met with children who suffer from cancer and leukemia as a result of the Chernobyl disaster. I met with their mothers who spoke about how helpless they felt as they were forced to watch their children, slowly and painfully wither away all because of the invisible killer who will continue to ravage their land, all of the life it sustains, and their community for the next 10,000 years.

    Proponents of nuclear power should travel to Belarus to meet the latest generation of children dying from cancer and leukemia. They should speak with their mothers who will talk with them about how nuclear power has literally and figuratively destroyed their families. Then, those proponents should travel to the Dead Zone, the 30 km ring around the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant, and they should live there for at least a month so that they can experience its abandoned, uninhabitable beauty and its deafening silence. Maybe then, proponents of nuclear power will begin to understand that this insane form of power needs to end NOW!


  8. Hi Julia,

    As with all heroes, heroes are never perfect. Everyone in this world is fallable with flaws.
    It’s what makes us who we are. And what happened
    wasn’t your fault.

    This battle of yours to stop the promotion of nuclear energy was not only a professional, but a personal battle. So everything for you was on the line, and that’s the most intense of battles.

    You gave it your all, and you succeeded. The only mistake that could have been truly done is if you did nothing.

    And it’s not hard to get depressed and sad nowadays.
    Mother Earth is dying, and her children are too. The land, sea, and air are getting devoured by humanity.
    Only we can fight back for them all and bring peace for us all so the conflicts can end.

    We all have our breaking points. But as Batman Begins once made the great point, we fall so we can pick ourselves back up and arise to something greater. The thing is, is that you are not weak or a mess for who you are. You are brave for talking about how you feel emotionally and what happened with this whole affair. As well as how personal this nuclear issue was for you.

    I think it will be a part of your healing, revealing all of this. And it shows although you didn’t have a choice back when you were a child for what happened to you, you had a chance to prevent the same thing to happening to others and fight for others. And you took it.

    You are strong Julia, more than you think possible. Take care, and keep up the great work!

    Mike Wagner
    Founder and Executive Director of Heart of the Wolf Organization

  9. i’ll hire you as my shamanic vegan chef,dear julia! What island shall we journey to?
    What kind of support are you needing right now,beloved?

  10. Amazing…

    You survived nuclear fallout from TMI – at five years of age! That – in itself – is something quite extraordinary!

    The real problem with exposure to high energy radiation is that – the residual-effects normally take more than one generation – to properly manifest. A certain nuclear physicist friend of mine – who worked with the UN – was never exposed to what was termed “dangerous” levels of radiation. And yet, he fathered two children – BOTH with the same, extremely rare, genetic disorder.

    Fission-based nuclear energy is not – and probably never will be – friendly to either the environment or the human race – in my opinion. Good that you spoke up about it, Julia! =)


  11. no julia

    i am the perfect mess!

    you and i, we are the mess called “human”

    we help eachother through melt-downs

    the more the merrier!

    it’s called “getting real” 😉

    i know – people don’t like it. But that’s probably because they need a good cry and won’t allow themselves the luxury of yielding to our human side.

    i find it delightful 😉

    and if we don’t love the human in us, what the heck are we fighting for?

    big hug

    private lives are good
    public lives are good
    both can coexist at times
    sometimes tightly interwoven
    sometimes separated into chunks

    it is the tide coming in
    going out

    it is fine

    it is how we are

    depression is a natural response to pain
    it is designed to put us down, so we don’t thrash 😉

    but in our hecticness, we forget we are human
    and need to tend ourselves, let the broken parts heal
    so the inability to scrape ourselves out of bed for that next song and dance can be internalized as a failure of self.


    just depression, needing to be heeded, rather than muscled or avoided…

    you are beautiful, child!
    you are one of our finest
    even at your most broken…

    thank you for reaffirming your faith in humanity
    by requesting an aisle seat 😉

    i am SO glad you weren’t denied!

    i lend you wings and heart…

    mary 😉

  12. This is my plea to all off Julia’s fans…

    PLEASE know what you have in her. PLEASE realize we MUST support her better.

    We read her books, listen to her, enjoy her writings and videos and take inspiration… take wisdom, take knowledge, truths and a sense of magic from her. We are uplifted by her. PROFOUNDLY. And on top of what we selfishly get out of her existence… there is the very real good she does in this world. Her charity is deep, selfless and undeniable. Financially she gives. With time she gives. Her research into causes is extensive; her knowledge deep.. and she gives her learning, her insights, her lessons to those who are misguided and/or victims of misinformation. She gives and gives – all the while from a sometimes deeply fragile place – and always with a shockingly sensitive heart. And she’s come this far. And she’s still here. Still giving. And we still KEEP taking the fruits of this amazing, unparalleled woman.

    WHAT do we give back?!?

    Supportive comments only go so far (though they DO help). Her most successful ‘products’ support charities more than her. Gushing about how great she is in emails or in person is nice… but it doesn’t penetrate and stick long. She needs more from us. Try being as sensitive and receptive (and public) as her in a world that 99% of the time slaps her in the face with apathy, conscious disease, toxic attitudes, physical pollution, ridicule, attacks and an ever-present hunger, for good and bad, to endlessly TAKE from her amazing attributes and gifts.

    I’m f-ing mad that we don’t help her more (let alone taking her messages deeper to heart). TRUST ME when I say that she’s insanely FAR more valuable to this world than we think. You underestimate her mind. You underestimate her heart. You underestimate her abilities. TRUST ME ON THIS. If she decides to keep helping our world in a large-platformed and public manner (as opposed to locally somewhere warm and deserving of her), I think you’ll find her future accomplishments FAR more impressive than her past. Mark my words.

    So please, NEVER stop supporting her. Give her money through her website. Always. Even if only $5 now and then. Pay attention to your purchase, food choices, and lifestyle. Give her words REAL consideration. Become more active in her causes (or any). And keep giving her nice, sane, supportive comments when she touches and uplifts you. Do whatever you can to give back… beyond simply taking.

    And beyond that… thank this universe for having created one of the most beautiful woman we’ve ever seen.

    We love you Julia.

  13. hi Julia– recently saw an inspiring and powerful movie you might appreciate:”Vision: From the Life of Hildegard de Bingen” based on the true life of a 12th century Christian mystic. You may already know of her. Within the churchy-world she used herbs, gems, and sound for healing, and of course, had visions.

  14. Dear Butterfly,
    As someone who has admired you since I first read about you, up in Luna, and has attended several of your events and heard you speak, it pains me greatly to see you in such distress and agony. If any messages from your friends and allies can rally your spirits, then I hope this one contributes, too. We all look up to you, even if you don’t want us to, even when you feel unworthy, and I know that you are profoundly depressed at so much at what goes on in this fallen world. What sane person wouldn’t be? We are such small individuals and there is so much evil and so many powerful dark forces at work. All we can do sometimes is remember our Virgil: “Durate, et vosmet rebus servate secundis — Endure, and preserve yourselves for better things.”

    It might be a good thing for you to take a sabbatical (doesn’t this word derive from sabbath?) — take some time off to reconnect with the holiness that is within you and draw upon its strength. You don’t have to give so much of yourself that you are worn down to a shadow. remember to treasure yourself as much as we treasure you. Do not fall into despair; that is the greatest danger to people who care too much and feel the pain of the world too intensely. You can’t help being who you are, which means to face this pain daily, but never forget that because of who you are, you are given a courage and strength that is beyond anyone’s power to defeat. You only need to remain aware of this, and it’s easy to forget when you’re tired and drained and in physical distress.

    Take some time to heal and be with the good people who love you and the places that you love. You’ll rise above this bad patch. Butterflies always emerge bright and new from their transformations.

    Sending you lots of love and support, K

  15. And your daddy once again feels the pain of his beloved daughter and his heart aches to just hold her and make the world go away

  16. Hi,

    I’ve been reading your writings here for a while now, and I thought today that I would just post and say thank you. To me this all sounds awkward, but you are probably used to hearing it: you’ve been such an inspiration to me. When you were up in Luna, I was 16 and I used to seek out any little bit of information I could find in newspapers or magazines, because I was just amazed by what you were doing. I really did ask myself sometimes ‘what would Julia do?’. I’m not usually awestruck by people, but when I was growing up I really was so affected by what you were doing.
    I can imagine that it must be incredibly difficult to be a public figure, and that it is a lot of work to keep from melting down or burning out. But there are so many people — and also, I’m sure, animals, plants, ecosystems — that are so positively affected by what you are doing. When I read that you are down or that you’ve been criticized, I just hate it, and I hope that hearing from people like me helps a bit anyway.

    Hoping you feel amazing real soon,

  17. Interesting connection to what Mankh suggested, my feeling is of you yearning for connection with God/dess.

  18. Thanks Jodi,

    i care about others taking ACTION, so if my life and words inspire others into action, then it helps me feel better about my efforts.

    i am glad i have been a part of your life since your teen years. : )



  19. Thanks Daddy!

    i have put you through a lot, huh? : )

    Love yOU,

  20. Thanks Kevin,


  21. Thanks Ken for your impassioned plea on my behalf. It is very generous. What i long for most is to know that people are DOING something with what they receive from me. Inspiration is important, but i long for is to know that people are inspired to DO, What?

    Thank you for your generous support!



  22. Thanks for the kind reflections Mary!


  23. Thanks Mathew! We need so much more action around the nuclear issue–especially now with all these so-called “environmentalists” coming out pro-nuclear!



  24. Ciao JB,

    here in Italy situation is on the edge as well. The plan is to build up several new nuclear power stations, one of them in Viadana (where the EP is). Fortunately the days of Berlusconi as Prime Minister seem to be over! But there are many politicians believing in Nuclear energy as a clean form of energy.

    Also, we have a huge problem with the biomass energy stations, supported and financed by institutions, that are burning tons of wood that could have been easily recycled! Instead of supporting solar or wind energy, Italy is investing in wood and nuclear!

    Challenging times, my dear. But, person after person, word after word, action after action, we don’t give up…with you in our hearts 🙂

    Love, clean fresh sustainable love, from Italy!


  25. hey Julia–
    Stereotypically non-attachedly Buddhistly, i would say that even though you want people to take action, what they do with what you do is up to them and out of your control. That said, please know that your encouragement to use 100percent recycled chlorine-free paper, for example, has helped shift the production focus of my small press publishing and recently discovered Greenline Paper in York, PA, which has a nice line of such products, and more. Am also much more direct with clients/authors about using such papers. Also, had the opportunity to meet a Tibetan Lama last week and while having lunch there was a recycled logo on the trash bin so i told him that that exact logo is on the back of some of my books, then told him about your tree-sit, etc. He hadn’t heard of you, and looked at me amazedly. Then he asked “How did she bathe or go to the bathroom?” So i described bits from your Legacy of Luna book. And one more tidbit: meeting you once has affected me as a writer: planning for my next book of poetry to have activist and consciousness-raising suggestions after each poem. As a writer and concerned world-citizen, am at a point where people saying “nice poem, dude” doesn’t feel like enough, rather– want them to do something with it! So to full circle, this armchair-activist can relate with what you expressed about people DOING something 🙂

  26. Happened to see this article and figured it would be of interest: “German people in unprecedented rebellion against government: 1000 injured in protests in nuclear protests: police at breaking point”

  27. Wow, powerful thoughts from you. So much to think about. Totally agree about nuclear power. Conservation and efficiency are much better choices to start with! Also, I wanted to say that you have such an incredible gift of public speaking – thousands, I’m sure, have been inspired into action because your words (and simply the way you deliver your message) are so powerful. I am one of those people. I’ve heard you speak several times, and my environmental activism is partly inspired by your words of wisdom and actions. When my sister and I heard you speak at the Buddhist temple, for example (and I had to speak immediately after you – you were such a tough act to follow!), we were both inspired to give up disposables (we were also impacted by the movie No Impact Man, which we saw the next night). When you spoke about adoption at the 10/10/10 Day of Action quite a few people mentioned to me how much your words affected them. Anyway, the world is incredibly blessed to have your presence. You are loved by many, and many are inspired by you to take action — I am one of those people… I can’t even imagine how tough it is to be in the public eye but the world needs to hear your messages!
    Don’t know if you’re still in the Bay Area but if you ever need ANYTHING (a vegan meal, car to borrow, a ride somewhere, etc.) I’d love to help.
    hugs, Susan (Luna’s mom)

  28. The encouraging thing to me is that the big capitalists are attempting to revive some interest in nuclear energy precisely because of the growing numbers of average American citizens, mostly centrist, who are in favor of going “green”. It is happening for real and can’t be prevented, nor can any political party in the U.S. expect to ignore the American people with regard to their concerns about global warming, environmental conservation, resource management, clean energy, etc. The conservatives have failed to convince the American people over the years that global warming due to carbon emissions is not at least plausible. The combustion engine is on its way out along with coal fired power plants and stuff. Solar power is becoming more interesting to many people who are becoming more and more curious about it and about living completely off grid. These things are slowly taking off right now and will eventually gain greater momentum. That’s a fact.

    These guys interested in selling nuclear developement are just attempting to get in on the ground floor and make a lot of money, of course. It is of no concern. These are not visionaries, just opportunist who are digging up the most readily available means to attempt to meet the demand for alternative energy and make a fast buck; but if nuclear energy had proven itself several decades ago to have been the wave of the future it would be everywhere by now.

    The thing that concerns me most is not these garden variety business men. They are of no concern. What does concern me a great deal is how we Americans intend to finance our inevitable new green infrastructure per the will of the people. Most Americans do not understand that the revenue will come largely from the cost to other countries for whom our biggest export is “democracy”, whether, it seems, they like it or not. I’m afraid most of the financing for our new, clean paradise will come from the manufacture of even more machine tools, combustion engines, plastic stuff, and so forth, in smaller, poorer countries overseas in more polluting factories hooked to petroleum, coal powered and, yes, nuclear power plants, than ever before seen on Earth. They will do this because they have no real financial autonomy. They will do this because it is the means by which they pay the “vig” to wealthy countries like the U.S.A. and Great Britain. They will be obliged to turn over their natural resources to a host of conglomerates given tax exempt status in the U.S. and free trade agreements.

    War for oil in the Middle East? Really? Why own the oil when you can own the whole country and take a percentage of it’s entire GDP by various means? Americans, think bigger. No one on Capitol Hill cares about the oil itself. For that matter, they don’t care if countries in the Middle East sell most of it to China. In fact, they are eager to oblige your concerns about reducing our dependence on fossil fuels and so forth if it will placate you into ignoring the man behind the curtain, the elephant in the room, the great black cloud looming over the East and heading west due to increased pollution world wide rather than at home where the majority of us are driving electric cars.

    Speaking of white people versus other ethnicities, if a person living in the U.S.A. wants a simple, direct, uncomplicated explanation of how the United States and some of its partners export democracy and how it affects the people of other countries, he or she need only ask any Native American he or she meets who “owns” some property on a reservation somewhere in America but can’t LIVE there or produce any income from the land itself, since the privalege of ownership, management of the local resources, etc., were taken in exchange for various “improvements” and services.

    “You want roads, access to public utilities, education, medicine, social security benefits, food, maybe some spending money? Why cerainly! Simply sign this simple agreement…”

    Lately the realm of finance on a global scale seems to be the frontier and battleground where many people of good conscience need to focus their attention and influence. These nuclear guys are just Larrys in liesure suits.

  29. jbh,
    just want to start with my own apology i was getting defensive when u started on the white male rant. i was wrong and do agree as a group we are not all doing much good in the world these days. you ask about actions and like u i am not big on my own horn. and i am also way behind you on the environment trail having frequently stopped to drag along my fellow travelers. my arena is medical-nursing- hospice but i have also noted people don’t ask to be buried under a highway overpass…hmm well long story short ‘m starting my own blog thx to your amnesia idea so maybe you can check in on me occasionally =) while i grow stronger and improve my knowledge r/t to our beloved world. i am truly sorry to hear of your pain but short of someone 24/7 monitoring it don’t have any suggestions on the vegan menu, yoga/stretching in fact is the recommended rx(there i go again trying to impose my will on you, dad being chiropractor and me a nurse i ass-u-me i know more again sorry) you will appreciatte i have actuallly started to eat my veggiees, latest fav is microwaved potato (say how is your stand on those?) and less meat. one butterfly to another it seems easier to fly with less stuff and it only took 45 yrs to accumilate it and 5 months to unburden thx for the help… keep the happy thoughts look me up next time in gulf beeze fl ;)sbv

  30. Just thought I’d check back in to say that you’ve definitely inspired action over here, no worries!

    Though, I have to admit I feel a bit guilty talking about action at the moment. I’ve been feeling very paralysed since moving to the “oil capital of Europe” (Aberdeen, Scotland) this September, where everyone I meet seems to be involved in the oil industry and environmentalism feels like a huge taboo. Hopefully as I settle in more this will change!

    But leaving my current, and surely temporary, state of things aside, I am very sure that you inspire a lot of people not just to feeling a certain way, but to action. When it comes to motivating people who may feel discouraged, nothing beats just simply showing that it is possible to act and make a difference. There is nothing better than a good example to give others the confidence to be good examples themselves…. and you are a brilliantly good example! Thanks!

  31. I hesistated posting this due to such sensitive feelings on the part of yourself and your supporters, but I am pro-nuclear. I do not have dreams of capitalist wealth. My dreams are more limited: world not too damaged for my children to inherit. With our planet’s population and needs of so many, I perceive nuclear as the least worst way to provide the large amounts of energy people require. Certainly we need our nuclear facilities to be operated safely and with respect to our communities and the environment. With all due respect to you and your supporters, my feeling is that the arithmetic of population and energy does not work without nuclear.

    I fully realize my views are controversial. My apologies for any hornets’ nests I stir up, however I wanted you to know that many who support nuclear are not merely mercenaries, demons, or ignoramuses.

  32. I make myself a busy person, so for me to sit down, throw my glasses on, and read your diary –means I think/felt it to be important. I’m not you Julia –you’re bigger, more focused, and more accomplished than I am…but nevertheless, I understand some of what you go through. I’m often the lone voice in the world I work / live in –and I get hurt, down, cynical, and respond in a knee-jerk fashion more than I would like to confess. Hearing you express your emotions makes me feel, what? Some kinship, some understanding, some empathy —

    Anyway, thank you for posting, hang in there physically (I’ve had both my hips replaced –and know the pain that leads up to that sort of thing all too well). The computer allows you to teach, talk, and coach from just about anywhere on the planet –so I’d suggest you go straight back to the islands!

    I’ve been on a teaching tour the last 10 days…Annapolis, NJ, two dates, coincidently, in North Carolina, and the last few days I’ve been in Reno. It’s interesting to see the money flow here –so different from the money-flow in Hilo. Everyone drives the right car, has the right clothes, shops at Whole Foods ($85 for 2 bags), and so many people look…well, like me: 40 to 60, Fit, white, 5’9″…etc.

    I wouldn’t want to live here, again, or have to step on the track of what it takes to thrive and survive in this environment, but I find it very interesting to observe. It’s a wake up call – of sorts. I prefer simplicity.

    I wonder if that isn’t what you’re experiencing by being back on the mainland after being on the islands? No need to answer, just reflecting on your reflections. Will chat with you in the coming year —know that the whales are coming to Hawaii this month…nice place to R and R.


  33. rmarg,

    Many people share the same views as you sadly. However, if you do the deep research necessary around this issue, you will find that it is actually NOT POSSIBLE to operate nuclear safely for so many reasons. They are toxic from start to finish and there is nothing that mitigates that. Taking all the money we give in subsidies and tax breaks to nuclear, coil, and oil and giving that instead to energy REDUCTION measures of which there are so many that are not even being remotely done, we would not need to build another reactor and then using some of that money to build the infrastructure for clean energy like solar and wind (just like our taxes funded the infrastructure for oil, coal, and nuclear), we would have a MUCH healthier planet and would actually create way more jobs.

    Here’s to a truly healthy world,


  34. I already sound like a grim crumudgeon, but the numbers do not add up for energy reduction. Even if the world only used half the per capita electricity of Switzerland (about 25% of current US electric demand), the world would still need more electric generating plants than exist now (though the US would have less). As for safety, nuclear is safer than coal and oil (making electricity is an inherently dangerous business). Solar and wind need storage to supply electricity 24/7. I am not sure it is merely a matter of how much money is provided in subsidies (e.g., limitations on electrochemical reactions for batteries, space and material requirements for solar panels, etc.). The physics and chemistry combined with our planet’s large population means that we are likely stuck with some nuclear in the mix.

  35. rmarg, my father worked for sixteen years in an attempt to make nuclear power safer but failed and finally became so sick from exposure to radiation that he died at 58. My own immune system has been damaged and my sister’ health has never recovered since my father gave my physics class a tour of the Whiteshell Nuclear Research Facility and the entire class became exposed to a workers mistake.

    Most human radioactive exposure kills its victims slowly shortening what would have been their natural lives. The reality, is the economic health cost of nuclear power far out weighs the electricity it produces.

    A couple of months it was announced that solar power became cheaper than nuclear per kilowatt hour. So the idea that nuclear is an important part of our future just on the numbers is not true.

  36. Mr. Hart –

    I am so sorry to hear of your family’s health issues. My father (who did not work in nuclear) also passed away from cancer. It is a ravaging disease.

    That said, I was NOT trying to say that nuclear is without risk. Even solar energy means someone has to live next to the solar cell chemical plant. The thousands of studies out there show that FEWER (not zero) die or are made ill from nuclear versus coal and oil. I read the NC Warn study you mention on solar costs, however it did not address the energy storage issue and it used subsidized solar costs vs unsubsidized nuclear.

    One final point, currently there is little nuclear activity in the US (maybe some work at Bellefonte and Vogtle). Natural gas is the main fuel being expanded and at its current price it has made the alternative energy discussion moot.

  37. In my humble opinion, what this world needs is as MUCH of a bee-line toward the ideal as possible, as fast as possible. Look at the accelerated deterioration of the natural world and tell me otherwise. One doesn’t grasp the dire circumstances and realities if their time-table embraces lax measures.

    Nuclear’s main argument is ultimately a ‘shrug’… that it’s a good half-step toward the ideal scenario, despite its drawbacks… that it’s a realistic improvement over conventional power plants ‘for now’ on the way toward whatever brilliant clean-energy innovations/infrastructures are ‘around the corner’.

    I ask,

    When will man-made radiation sources (intended, leaking, or potentially explosive) get the comeuppance and health considerations they deserve?

    When major accidents and/or terrorists cripple the operations of a battery-manufacturing plant, how many dozens die?

    When major accidents and/or terrorists cripple the operations of a NUCLEAR plant, how many thousands will die (and be ill-fated and downwind from the radiation plume)?

    How effective are profit-motivated lobbyists in misguiding the legislative process toward corporate interests and helping spread misinformation in the public spheres (and how effective can citizens be with their attention, time and actions to combat them)?

    How is more nuclear material in an ego-filled, defensive, politically unstable world ever be justified?

    [I don’t trust nuclear. Its leaders are not holistically cognizant enough… the industry too corporately structured and the margin for error too wide for my comfort when you’re dealing with nuclear fission. It’s too dangerous for human handling and oversight. Case closed.]

    Is nuclear less of a health/environmental risk as opposed to wind and solar? Do you trust the government to truly protect our health?

    [Remember, outside bad parenting, our government happily allows ten-year-olds to walk around with frighteningly powerful little electromagnetic devises held against their brains, transmitting hours of microwave radiation, whilst armed with the most minuscule of health warnings (after being pressured from activist groups) as we speak.]

    Is it just a cost/megawatt debate, or are other considerations equally, if not more valid to include in calculating?

    Would aggressively supporting and implementing wind and solar energy (plus truly reducing energy consumption) be a half-step… or a giant stride?

    To this layperson… I don’t see the argument. Nuclear energy plants shouldn’t exist. To me, the bee-line goes right past their very shamefully, poorly-protected fences and leaking structures…

    …to something better, safer, quicker. Like wind and sunshine perhaps.

    But what do I know. All I have is my intuition, coupled with my belief that Julia seems pretty spot-on with the issues and knows what she’s talking about. : )

  38. I read your blog entry while I was at a restaurant in Coatepec, a town Veracruz, working on finances and taxes while charging my computer and couldn’t control myself, pain and sadness where overflowing and tears where just pouring out of my eyes. I am sadden and frustrated by India’s Nuclear plans and it reminds me of how frustrated I feel about the Mexican government wanting to focus on nuclear as a measure to “combat Global Warming”. I’ll be at COP-16 hopefully I’ll be able to participate more closely on that issue.

    I too feel disheartened, disillusioned, and disconnected, feeling like I don’t belong (especially last week) And all too often don’t want to be here anymore and again I ask myself, why do I do what I do? What would happen if I just went back to working as an engineer, a safe secure job with a good paycheck, and not have to be present with the pain in the world, being able to simply enjoy life? …but I know I just can’t do that. It is living my purpose and being of service that brings the most joy and meaning to my life too.

    Reading what your write so openly has really helped me know that I am not alone in the world, that I’m not the only person who is so sensitive, and that there is nothing wrong with me.

    What you do has profoundly inspired and strengthened the work I do, you know how you always say: “If we had to be connected to the other end of the thread of our choices, then our choices would begin to change” I resonate with those words at a very deep level, because I am committed and dedicated to teaching and designing workshops and courses that will allow participants to be present with “the other end of the thread of their choices”. I do that by explaining the chain of events that unfold with our everyday actions in terms of agriculture, energy, water, chemicals, products and construction and of course offer just and sustainable alternatives. My intention is that participants not only make the mental connection, but also the emotional and spiritual connection between their actions and the devastation of the Earth and human right’s abuse so that they can make different choices. I haven’t fully figured it out, but I know it will unfold at the right time.

    You have also influenced me personally and helped me grow in many different aspects. You’ve helped me bring so much more peace, love and compassion to my work, even my friends notice it. I used to be so angry and frustrated that the message was simply lost and not received. Now I come from a different place, there is more joy in my heart : )

    I am now highly aware of disposability consciousness and I do my very best to use reusables and stay away from disposables. Most of my social group (even friends who are also in a path towards sustainability) think I’m a weirdo, too intense and radical (if you asked me, I would have to say I fall short of my own standards and I am sometimes incongruent). For which I also remember your words about being compassionate and non-judgemental even when I fall short of my own standards and thank goodness I have friend here at home that remind me of that too! Acting from a place of love and inviting people to re-think their choices vs judging people’s actions has also had a quite positive impact, for example my mom is now using handkerchiefs and cloth napkins, she remembers to carry her own re-usable bags most of the time and carries her own To-Go-Ware utensils. Some friends are also switching to handkerchiefs and many people have told me they will stop buying water bottles and using plastic bags after they hear me talk about disposables.

    Hearing you speak has given structure to my thoughts and power to my words. People are now more receptive than just a year ago, where I was overflowing with passion and made no sense at all.

    I constantly remind myself of: “How do I best live my life in alignment with the world I want to live in?” “What would love guide me to think, say and do, every single moment of each and every day?”

    What you do has had an enormous positive impact on what I do and my ability to take loving and conscious action, for which I am very grateful. My hope is that when you read this you see that there are more and more of us each day, taking action, committed to a vision of a world that works for all.

    with love and gratitude,


  39. as one who is reserching a bit of the choices with the intent of going offline. I still feel there is a big need for reserch, development, and infrastructer if we are to use alternatives like wind, geothermal, and solar. that alone will provide work and improve the economy if we are more efficient w/resources. the sun provides far more than we harvest just another example of the long term planning involved on ship earth.
    for those who recall space 1999 the moon wasn’t far enough to move all the nuclear waste. and a stop-gap that leaves the halflife of nuclear. is trading off the future for the present. which is my big problem with non-replant logging. life is short enough why do people keep inventing ways to make it unpleasent too … keep the happy thoughts sbv

  40. Thank You Ingrid for taking the time to write and reflect on the positive impact. i deeply appreciate it. And i am so happy to know you are taking inspired, conscious, and loving action!

    Much Love and Gratitude,


  41. Here’s my Truism Intention Chant For This Day (cause i’m feelin like quite a mess,too):i am Radically Passionately Awake In The Full Embracing Of Every Facet Of The Holy Miraculous Mess That Is Me And In The Delisciousness Of This Vast Embrace I Have Arrived ,I Am Home, In The Here And In The Now.

    ok ooowww my hips are aching which means i’ve been on my lap top too long.It’s time for me to go do a 30 min. sunbathing session,drink some(super mineral rich) Himalayan Sea Salt Infused Natural Spring Water,do a few min.of Restorative Yoga and get going on my daily errands.
    the mess that is me

  42. Julia,
    I don’t have much to say about EII event, but I thought I should take this opportunity to tell you how much I admire you.
    I’m a 16 year-old dancer at North Carolina School of the Arts, (and I’m dating a girl named Julia…not that that’s important but I call her Julia Butterfly sometimes:):)). Haha but anyways, my dad has told me about you since I was very small, probably since I was five maybe, I don’t know, and I’m pretty sure he’s been supporting you for a very long time. I’ve always been really into the environment and saving trees..(especially since I thought faeries lived in them haha). I write a lot, but I want to be a film producer and make movies (as well as be a dancer..), not pop culture movies, but meaningful movies on gay teens & their stories, the environment, eating disorders, etc. It’s been one of my goals since I heard about you to live in a tree for a long period of time and to have some kind of meaningful impact on the environment and the way the world views it.
    I think I can understand where you’re coming from, about hurting from caring. I feel like that a lot- the most compassionate people seem to have the most trouble being happy. Similarly as the most intelligent seem to have trouble being content with themselves and the world. Try not to let it get you down, because in reality there’s really only so much one person can do, but you really are making a difference. At the very least, your compassion is sending out positivity into the universe and hopefully it spreads upon others. But know that you’ve impacted me and I’m sure many others, and I’d hate to see you lose motivation.

  43. you are so ADORABLY messed-up. 🙂

  44. Glad to see my hero is also a human.
    Thank you for you.

  45. Thanks Sierra for the thoughtful response! And thank you for committing to allowing your life to be in service to the world. It is a gift.

    Love and Blessings (and tell your Dad i say “Thanks.” : )


  46. I realize this is off topic, but North Carolina has tremendous dance and arts programs. When I was on the board of a modern dance company many years ago, North Carolina was a strong feeder of talent (and still is for many dance companies). An excellent place to learn the performing arts.

  47. Julia,

    Wow! What a sad blog!

    Time to change your career!
    If this blog’s lamentation accurately describes your recent state of mind, drop everything you’ve done to date and do something else!

    “Nuclear” is toxic, to be sure.
    But so, too, is unrequited “do-goodism”.

    Ever since Luna, you’ve selected “do-goodism” as your career. You began caring for trees, then people, then branched out (pun intended) to all things do-goodism related.
    Along the way, you’ve inspired hundreds of people and met hundreds of inspiring, loving, spiritual, do-good people.

    And your journey of selfless do-goodism has led to this:

    “…I was left feeling disheartened, disillusioned, and disconnected. It made me, yet again, question why I do what I do. I have been seriously considering what it would be for me to stop public speaking all together, to get out of the environmental field,…”

    Sitting atop Luna, you fell in love with do-goodism. And now you feel that your love is unrequited.

    Time to move on…begin another relationship.

    I know little about you, but check in occasionally because I like to experience genuinely good people. As a Yoga expert, I could talk about your situation as described in this blog entry using grandiose spiritual jargon.

    But you know what?

    You’ve over-dosed on spiritual do-goodism! Spiritual jargon now is toxic to your mindbody system.

    This doesn’t mean that your spirituality is toxic-only that your current career of spiritual do-goodism has become toxic for YOU.

    Your self-described physical pain and emotional distress SHOUTS one clear message:

    “STOP what you are doing!”

    Time to find requited love!

    Fold up “Julia Do-Gooder Inc”…that oh-so-public persona who apparently carries oh-so-much private pain.

    You’ve scored enormous good karma points. But from this blog, you haven’t cashed in on them yet.

    And CASH is your main issue. You’ve cashed in on do-goodism, yet this career has left you profoundly conflicted, and STILL short of cash.

    Act entrepreneurial. You’ve made connections. Use them.
    Chef, write, do private counseling, sell relationship DVD’s…whatever.
    Just stay away from pleasing crowds and fulfilling THEIR expectations.

    Make money doing something different, something the new & improved Julia 2.0 would enjoy doing.

    Exit the do-goodism movement.
    Enter the “What’s fun for Julia?” movement.

    Leave public speaking/writing on environmental/health/ social justice/ topics. You’ve had your time on the world stage for this. Take your bow and let the curtain fall on Act 1 of your career.

    You may have to live with physical pain. But you sure as hell don’t need to live with emotional pain!

    After all that you’ve done-trips, talks, meetings,soul searchings, prayer groups, political activism-your heart & soul remain unrequited. And it’s tearing you apart physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

    And what is the root cause of YOUR existential malaise?

    Unrequited love!

    Definitely unrequited love in your do-goodism career…and maybe elsewhere, too.

    Forget being a “spokesperson”, forget leading “movements”, forget getting caught up in group spiritual stuff…forget the old “Luna Julia”.

    Say “Hello!” to the new Julia: “Funa Julia!”.

    Sit atop the Tree of Life-FUNA!

    Finding requited love in anything begins with FUN!

    Taking on the emotional burdens of the world, traveling around, putting yourself out there, maybe good karma-for the short term.
    But it sure ain’t fun, as this blog attests!

    New idea…
    Make money for the FUN of it!
    Make love for the FUN of it!
    Make a name for yourself for the FUN of it!

    FUN will illuminate your unique path to requited love.

    You’ve lived and loved causes, movements, activism. All to the good, though now your mindbody recoils in turmoil.

    Time to release yourself from the self-imposed psychological imprisonment of causes, movements, and activism. Others will step up to take your place. Let them. You DESERVE probation!

    Make FUN your new litmus test.
    If it’s not fun, don’t do it!
    But nonetheless a beautiful and proven-to-work truth discovered by the Yoga tradition.

    Julia, on this Thanksgiving Eve, I wish for you two things:

    That you find requited love in your next career…
    and that you have fun while you’re at it!

    Love and Namaste!

  48. ACL Thoughts:
    I remember in my own struggle with post op and physical therapy following an ACL injury and reconstruction. I got so frustrated. The reconstruction and healing threw my gait completely out of whack, which threw my back out of whack. The therapy was painful really beyond what I could sustain. I thought I had completely screwed myself up, that I would never walk freely again, that the doctors had messed up. Nothing worked really. So I took the therapy somewhat into my own hands. I found that if I raised a bicycle seat way way high—So much so that when I pedalled I was not overstressing any part of my leg, but gently moving the leg and using the muscles in a gentle way things started to improve. Is gentle biking an option with the seat abnormally high? There might be a friend with a really tall bike that you could experiment with. I did get depressed while my ACL limited my movement and getting out on the bike broke the pattern. Also, water walking was a help. At age 32 I got in the water at a local pool with people three times my age and went at it! You probably have tried everything you know, just thought I would suggest these things that worked for me. Lastly, a friend suggested in the middle of all this to just lie around like a slob, watch tv and just take it easy. I’m not one for tv and I hate just lying around—but somehow that freed me up to just rest in the impossibility that my knee would ever be normal again. It took the knee a year to heal in its own time—it seemed to be on its own timetable. best wishes, praying for your healing.

  49. Jesus! Even reading the comments on your post is exhausting! 🙂

    A lot of generous and loving comments but i can see (as this being a tiny example) how busy and energy filling your work is. Luckily, we can all disconnect sometimes… Wishing you a fabulous Thanksgiving and hopefully some quiet and special disconnect time all to yourself! Lots of love xoxxo Jenn

  50. If you sound it out we can plainly see that Curly from the Three Stooges, had it right; “nuk nuk nuk…”. If you follow this comedic intuition one can see his illusion towards this fantastic form of energy production. Yes it sounds, NUK-LE-AIR. There for, it’s all about those nuks in le air, that makes complete sense to me. I don’t understand why some people need it spelled out, I mean “air air air…”

  51. Follow Your Goosebumps And Give Life A Big Wet Kiss… She’s Waiting;)

  52. At middle age I am just beginning to realize the depths of my incredible idiocy, and at the same time have some minor glimpse of what it means to grow beyond that.

    I don’t know how you have managed to think globally for so much longer than I have, starting so early in your life, and have kept some sanity, given that so many people denigrate even the terms “global community” without even knowing what that means. I am pretty sure it has never become “second nature”, that it isn’t a bit unnerving a lot of times when you express your thoughts about these things, though I am sure there are many benefits.

    It occurs to me lately that I am an American, but not by precisely the definition that I think the vast majority of my peers would embrace.

    It seems at least as though there are some people here and there who have a rare compassion, that when you find them it is restful, like coming home.

  53. Hi Julia, I havent checked in for a while but I ran into a friend of yours in Manderson, SD…an interesting man(Alex)
    I was trying to buy a horse….he has some nice ones.

  54. Hi David,

    Alex and his family are good people.


  55. In my humble opinion there is nothing about yourself that you need to “re-invent”.You are an astoundingly beautiful buddhaful woman just as you exist in this moment,julia! In all your sweet holy messiness.The exquisite artistry and eleganse of your original face in all of it’s myrisd expressions and contradictory conondrums.You don’t need makeup,you don’t need new clothes or “sexy” makeovers.Just as you are you are soo worthy of love,soo worthy of adoration, so wildly and overpouringly enough!

  56. Zoe, nowhere did i mention needing new clothes and makeup or “sexy” makeovers. That has nothing at all to do with what i am talking about. But thanks anyway.


  57. i was actually refering to your newest FB profile pic,hun.As i was retrieving important phonenumbers from FB message center i came across your newest pic.This has nothing at all to do with what your talking about.Ok,Thank u for your feedback clarification.julia. i honor and send prayer support- empowerment to your deepest intrinsic inner knowing…

  58. Zoe, there is no makeup nor makeover in my new profile pic either. It is just me tinted Sienna on iphoto because i think it is fun and artistic. As with everything in my life, i like showing all different kinds of sides of myself. i refuse to be stuck in a box– any box. i am a constantly changing and evolving being. And at the end of the day, looks are superficial. It is all just costume. i enjoy playing with the costume.

  59. Julia,
    You are right… Nuclear is NOT an option.
    I am reminded of a comment made after the second Space Shuttle disaster. An engineer said the Space Shuttle was very large, very complexly engineered system. At the time it had experienced about a 1% failure rate over the lifetime of the Space Shuttle program. The engineer said a 1% failure rate was normal and not out of line.
    Think about Three Mile Island, Chernobyl and other lesser failures of operating nuclear plants and you get the picture. Build them and some will fail. The insurance companies know this and would not even insure nuclear plants if not for the Price-Anderson Act which limits the liability to a manageable cost. Perhaps we should work on repeal of the Price-Anderson Act.
    May peace inhabit your heart,
    Joe M

  60. Our sweet Julia, I had the pleasure of meeting you and hearing your heart speak last June in St. Louis at the Operation Food Search fundraiser. In the midst of my own personal heartbreak over recent USDA strategies regarding GMO alfalfa, I ventured over here to gather in some of your amazing strength by reading your posts. I wanted to learn waht JBH would do in this situation.

    Far better was reading THIS post where the realities of being women who care deeply for this Earth, for all sentient beings, for our children’s, children’s children and ALL children of this planet converged with the deep anguish I was feeling. And I was uplifted just knowing that you and I and all these amazing women will heal the Earth NOT by being strong and powerful every minute (that is the denial fueled by patriarchy) but through our grief and sorrow and allowing our hearts to break from time to time. Thank you Julia. For being the mess you were that day….

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