Loving For No Reason

Even in the face of, “Love Is All There Is” my heart breaks, and my woundedness arises. I “know” all the “Truth of Transformation and Oneness.” But to “know” and to BE it 100% of the time are two completely different things. I am a human being. And the human condition includes the challenge, the tension, between, the knowing, the being, and the doing.

I write as I live: Raw, Real, and Wide-Open. Sometimes I am soft and yielding. Sometimes I am fierce and forceful. Sometimes I inspire people. Sometimes I piss them off. Sometimes, people judge the hell out of me. Sometimes people put me on pedestals.

I write because I have been doing it in one form or another for most of my life. It is cathartic and teaching for me. I started sharing it publicly because people requested that I do. And my prayer is that in my sharing, that it helps in some way. Even if it pisses people off. Maybe they will learn something from that. And maybe they won’t. Maybe I will. And maybe I won’t.

Because I am a public person, and I put it “ALL” out there, I get SO much and So many projections. I do my best to look for the gems of what rings as “truth” to me and compost the rest. Even in all the accolades and positive reflections, I learned early on to know that even that is not all me. It is enticing to want to accept all of the goodness—it feels so good to one’s heart… and one’s ego. It is enticing to shove away all the negative and angry remarks—I am a human being after all, and I have a ridiculously sensitive heart…it is both my gift and my curse. But if I were to take on ALL the goodness reflected, I would very quickly become someone I would not want to be. Because I am human I have my shadow side, my far less than perfect side. And if I do not claim and own that part of myself as well then I very quickly become dis-eased because I am actually no longer whole. If I take on the negative too much, I end up trying to be the “pleaser” which is not authentic either. So, I do my best to look into every comment for the gems and then compost the rest—because then it can still serve. : ) Different from resisting or shoving away or ignoring, composting requires attention and intention to become the rich fertile soil of my soul. I do not always succeed at my commitments. But I do my best to learn from my failures and grow from them.

And I continue to share it all: the best, the worst, the silly, the profound, the hurt, the joy, the anger, and the love. Because it is all me. Those who wish, read. Those who do not, sometimes read just to see if they can find a new way to attack and poke fun at me. : ) My we humans are such fascinating creatures. And I am completely including myself in the “we.”

I am in such an interesting place right now. SO much is coming up for me on so many levels. Some of it is bringing untold amounts of joy, some of it is pushing every one of my buttons—hell, some of it is jumping up and down on the buttons. : )

And so I write. To get outside some of what is inside, so I might potentially get a better view. And sometimes, just so I can clear some space for newness to arise.

Even when I am hurt and angry and cynical, sooner or later, I always return to choosing love. For NO REASON. I made a commitment with the Universe many years ago now. I am here to live a life of integrity and loving, joyous, service. There is no “reason” attached to that purpose. I choose to love for the sake of loving. I choose joy for the sake of joy. I choose service for the sake of service. There is no asterisk, exemption, exception clause in my compact with the Cosmos, even though sometimes I behave that way. And so when I do. When I notice my anger and cynicism is filling up the space, I know that I have attached “reasons” to my purpose—which means I am, wait for it, drum roll…. OUT OF INTEGRITY!!! Damn!

Sometimes, my fierceness is misinterpreted as anger or cynicism when that is not the truth at all. Sometimes my fierceness is anger and cynicism. My job is to pay attention, know the difference, remain present and allow myself to be me—all of me—even as I am committed to always growing me to the best of my ability. To “own” what is mine to own and to compost what is not.

I appreciate people’s comments in all their myriad forms because I learn from them. Even when I get hurt or triggered by them or when they are sweet and loving. I am committed to learning from it all.

I hope and pray that others learn too—even if not from my writing but from one another’s comments. There are gems in all of it for all of us—if we only care to look and choose it as learning. Even when people get mad or angry or “nauseated” as some have said by my writing, if they choose, they can learn something from that. But that’s not my work. My work is to do my best to live my life on purpose, notice when I am not, learn what I need to learn and integrate that learning so that I might become ever more the person I am committed to Being and Doing!

With Love For No Reason,

julia

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Published in: on August 15, 2010 at 11:24 pm  Comments (23)  

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23 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. jbh what to say again
    u share from the heart. most of us are fearful or disconnected enough to keep our walls/facades up why ruin a great movie set/stage with the truth… not to yell anything but if its hot, bright, and leaves ash behind it might be smart to get out of its way. seasons change my hope is you don’t compost too much or too little =) am just aware of one makes a diff actually drew me offline have you thought of updating it? happy thoughts sbv

  2. 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 :)…U N S P E A K A B L E J O Y E X P O N E N T I A L Y W O U M I F E S T !!!!

  3. I LOVE JULIA BUTTERFLY HILL!!!!!!!!:)

  4. “But to “know” and to BE it 100% of the time are two completely different things.”

    “And so I write. To get outside some of what is inside, so I might potentially get a better view. And sometimes, just so I can clear some space for newness to arise.”

    Yes. Good stuff. You articulate honesty well. And it’s refreshing. I always like coming here. Coming to your site is like walking barefoot across the cool damp earth.

    Thank you.

  5. I LOVE JULIA BUTTERFLY HILL TOO!!!!!!!!:)

  6. julia,

    i am not sure what i want to say in this message. only that i want to send my sincere gratitude and appreciation for your sharing, risks and openness.

    a few weeks ago one of my friends posted a short 2 or 3min video of you on her blog, talking about how there, “are no accidents.” i had no idea who you were…but i felt “ding ding ding” when i was watching you… i know that you are a truth speaker, from the heart, honest, intelligent and genuine. i am a 29year old female, (in college pursuing a BA in history, with one year left) and not completely sure what I want to do except I know that I want to be of service in some way, and I know that I want that I want to use my energy, knowledge and compassion in service to others. your story is inspiring to me…and you continue to inspire me with your blog postings.

    I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your openness, your writings, and your thoughts- even if they are small moments here and there. sending much love & kindness your way =)

  7. Hi Jane!

    Blessings on your journey of service at it unfolds for you! i am so glad that what comes through me is resonating with you and supporting you on your journey!

    love,
    julia

  8. Why oh why do i draw in such wonderfully crazy people? : )

  9. Hi Bill,

    i love the image and feeling of walking barefoot across the Earth. Thanks for sharing!

    love,
    julia

  10. Real poetry often pushes people’s buttons. Thanks for mentioning overpopulation, a topic that pushes many breeder/family-values folks’ buttons. One of the biggest reasons for over-consumption and depleting of resources is overpopulation. Thanks too for showing and sharing your human-ness, Julia, yet i add (without pedestalling you) that you often seem to tap the divine energies (or they tap you), as all humans are capable of, yet many have seemingly forgotten that aspect of Self. Since many cultures refer to a Creator God as “Hu”, that’s one way to explain our divine origins: Hu Man, with a Mankind generic sense, though that’s a potential button pusher for Woman. Perhaps we could call ourselves Hupersons.

  11. 😉 🙂 Ashe To Celebrating The Most Wonderful Crazy People!This world would be pathetically boriiinnnggg without the wide open heart compassionate trickster’s holy mischieviousness.i cry an ode of libations tears to she who is in tune and flow with the full spectrum of her WizeDum for the benefit of all our relatives:) :0 😉 xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

  12. Well. Well! Such a joy to discover this blog (several years too late — took me a number of days to catch up). For years I had no news of Julia Butterfly, one of the living people I most admire, so it is joyful to find her thoughts here and to share in what’s on her mind and take vicarious trips to Ireland and so on. I have been grieved to read of her health problems and her distresses, which are endemic to anyone who is awake and aware in these sad days. There are many of us in the same boat, suffering from loss and weariness and fear. Take courage, Julia, and keep your strength up and never lose your fighting spirit. You mean a lot to many of us; friends you’ve never met, or only in passing. I’ll never forget your inspiring books, your heroic actions, your sincerity when I’ve heard you speak in person. My prayer for you is that you may become like a clear vessel that shines with a light within and light signposts for others. May you always walk in Grace. May your days be filled with wisdom and peace. Know that you are well loved.

  13. I am one here to say that I am growing, learning, becoming more compassionate in reading and responding to your blog, Julia. I really appreciate the contributions of those who respond, too. YOu all are one of my little communities, and right now I don’t have just a ton of friends beyond my meditaion cushion and my immediate family. It is interesting you write about the healing inherent in writing. Teaching, learning, un-learning, Victor Frankl called it logotherapy and coined the term after he emerged from a concentration camp after WWII. He observed that he never completely lost hope despite the awful conditions, partly perhaps because he was working on a manuscript about this writing-word-therapy he called logotherapy. He would turn this manuscript over in his mind at night before he went to sleep. He observed that others gave up and died because they had no inner flame of ideas, or core of words, whether specifically religious or not. I find it interesting that his approach has become a thread in healing practices.

    I am lately into what goes on beyond thinking as a place for healing. My “in spite of poem” might go, in spite of my thoughts, beyond my best and worst ideas, so called faults and virtues..some ineffafable unwordable something bouys me up. One of my big prayers right now is TS Elliot’s…

    I said to my soul be still and live without hope,
    for hope would be hope for the wrong thing.
    Live without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing.
    There is yet faith, but the faith and the hope and the love are all in the waiting.
    Do not think, you are not ready for thought,
    So the darkness shall be the light,
    And the stillness…the dancing.

    Personally, I think it is so awful at those times when my heart breaks and there seems to be no good room for the breaking. Elliot’s poem gives me that room. And then the most wonderful space and freedom after the breaking. —sam

  14. Hi julia, happy to read that all is going pretty fine for you.
    By the way, what about your knee and rehabilitation ? How is your recovery going along ?
    I’ve just come back from my 15-days holiday in the Marches by the sea, so a few words addressed to you to try to return to normal life ..
    I thought of a couple of things for your web site.
    Is it possible for you to give space also for files attachments ?
    All of us could exchange pictures, sceneries, views, places, etc. etc. ,it would be much more enriching and amusing for both parts.
    Beside words, (filtered) images.
    The second thing is to ask you to be so kind as to leave a trace on this weblog of where you are (on occasion) during your ongoing meetings, conferences, public speeches, etc. etc. so that, whoever is interested, can come and see you.

    Greetings from Italy .

  15. Ciao Marcello!

    The idea of a place on my site for people to share photos, art, etc… i have already thought of, but that takes money to create and update and keep it relevant and user friendly. ANd i do not have the money to add extra fancy things to the website. i am working on creating a member’s only part of the website for people who contribute financially, and on that part of the site there will be extras and as funds begin to build from that then i can add extras like you are talking about. And as for my public whereabouts, it is on my calendar of events on this site already and sometimes i also blog about my experiences, so that is already happening.

    Grazie!

    julia

  16. is woundedness a word?

  17. Do rules and laws shackle prose and creativity?

    My friend, here are words Shakespeare invented…

    accommodation
    aerial
    amazement
    apostrophe
    assassination
    auspicious
    baseless
    bloody
    bump
    castigate
    changeful
    clangor
    control (noun)
    countless
    courtship
    critic
    critical
    dexterously
    dishearten
    dislocate
    dwindle
    eventful
    exposure
    fitful
    frugal
    generous
    gloomy
    gnarled
    hurry
    impartial
    inauspicious
    indistinguishable
    invulnerable
    lapse
    laughable
    lonely
    majestic
    misplaced
    monumental
    multitudinous
    obscene
    palmy
    perusal
    pious
    premeditated
    radiance
    reliance
    road
    sanctimonious
    seamy
    sportive
    submerge
    suspicious
    torture
    tranquil
    undress
    unreal
    varied
    vaulting
    worthless
    zany

    Not that she’s him, but you get the point. And it is humorously ironicalacious you point out something like that given the message of the post!

    Ah Julia, to wear one’s heart on one’s sleeve* and to thine own self be true*, is to be barefaced* before the green eyed monster* and among strange bedfellows*!

    *phrases coined/invented by Shakespeare

  18. HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!

  19. ps love always has a reason frail egos cause fear to abound resulting in lies. cookbook rumors aside my thumbs out at the crossroad …happy thoughts i’m orientated south but there’s a hurricane a brewin, gulf coast hopefully not as bad as they make it sound.

  20. I love your honesty and courage. It is a wonderful thing to know you are here with us in this life, knowing you’re not perfect and being who you are anyway. God/dess bless you my friend.

  21. i love you ,barnry.i can never quite deciper more than one sentence of what you write,but that just could be me(i can be a bit slow sometimes -am i the only one,beloved’s?).Anway,who cares,right?:)What matters is it’s such a uniquely beautiful creation of you and your care and support for julia shine so brightly through.:)

  22. This is the first time I read your blog and I am fascinated by what you have to say as you heal yourself using writing as tool for the self. No matter what we do or say some will agree others disagree and yet others wont care at all, sometimes we will judge ourselves when we don’t act in accordance with our own standards, still the Universe knows when we act from love, so love after all is the reason.

  23. This Bjork song was running in my head while I was reading you post… thought I should share… much love:

    If you ever get close to a human
    And human behaviour
    Be ready be ready to get confused

    There’s definitely definitely definitely no logic
    To human behaviour
    But yet so yet so irresistible

    And there’s no map to human behaviour

    They’re terribly terribly terribly terribly moody
    Then all of a sudden turn happy
    But, oh, to get involved in the exchange
    Of human emotions
    Is ever so ever so satisfying

    And there’s no map
    And a compass wouldn’t help at all


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