Re-Emerging

i haven’t written for a while. i have been more contemplative. Every so often, i think about ending writing on my blog and closing down my facebook accounts and basically disappearing in the web world. But then, every so often, something happens that makes me think my taking the time to write, share thoughts, and sometimes ask for support on petitions or fundraising actually makes some kind of a difference– even if a small one, so i continue on.

i don’t have a crystal ball. i don’t really know how much of a difference any of this makes really. i get tired of people’s projections on me and sometimes their downright meanness and nastiness. i get tired of people’s sense of entitlement with me– as if just because i am a public figure who puts myself out there publicly– all of a sudden, their specific views, want, needs, and demands of me are righteous and right and i am wrong if i do not take them on. i know i open myself up to this by being public, and that is part of why so often i just want to disappear. i would not be surprised if i get some feedback to this posting that is going to be more reinforcement of the previously mentioned entitlement, projections, and judgments.

But for some reason, i keep writing (even if i take occasional pauses from it) and i keep putting myself back out there publicly (even though it is a lot less than i used to.) i am a human being. i am not a super hero. i am not a thing to be objectified, labelled, torn apart, or built up to some grandiose idea of myself. i am just a person who had my heart blown wide open and care very, very much about the Earth and all of its species and life that it supports. i am just a person, stumbling my way along, doing the very best i know how to live a life of loving, joyous service. i am one of millions (maybe billions, i am not clear on that one) who cares and is trying to make a positive difference.

This posting is not about asking for sympathy or complaining about people (although i do get hurt and frustrated and worn out by people sometimes.) If anything this posting is an invitation for all of us to look at our lives and ask ourselves if we are doing things because we are inspired and motivated to or because we feel like we “should.” i am not always sure which is the reasons for my choices. And at times when i am not clear, i often draw more within to try to find clarity. If i took on everyone’s opinions, i would be a very unhealthy and multiple, split-personality human being. When i need clarity, i go into the silence, i go into nature, i go into prayer. And when i have some clarity, even if i don’t have “all” the answers, i re-emerge which according to the Mirriam-Webster’s dictionary is partly defined as, “To come into being through evolution.”

May we all come ever more into our authentic being through the evolution of life’s journey.

Love,

julia

Advertisements
Published in: on June 1, 2010 at 6:24 am  Comments (35)  

The URI to TrackBack this entry is: https://juliabutterflyhill.wordpress.com/2010/06/01/re-emerging/trackback/

RSS feed for comments on this post.

35 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Aloha JB,

    Always nice to hear your writing.

    Here’s a cool video I just found on You Tube that may align with the way u c the world…or not:

    fly with the angels ~*~

    r

  2. (this won’t seem to post–I hope it doesn’t multiple times)

    I’ve never owned a firearm or believed that they have a legitimate use; but I would happily shoot my computer at the moment. I wrote you a nice response, it got lost in the ether, couldn’t retrieve it, too tired to rewrite it, cursed God (gods, goddess, whatever…) and swore like a trucker for a few minutes.

    I feel partly to blame for this. I was telling my mother about you the other day, Friday. I was explaining to her that I intended to finish a book I am working on that I hope will inspire people who have been classified “mentally ill” by society to view themselves a little differently, in a more positive way. The book is essentially about “shamanism”, well researched, though I intend to disguise that theme and eliminate the word “shamanism” (not quite sure how I am going to do that yet). I was telling her (mom) that I intended to later publicly sabotage my reputation so that only a very few readers would dare to support my theories, after which I was going to “Salinger” myself…

    She thought I was nuts.

    I explained your predicament (the way I understand it) to her. “She’s between a rock and a hard place, mom. They (we) won’t let her reinvent herself. Imagine how hard it must be to gain the support and recognition ANYONE would need for present and future accomplishments if he or she became famous in his or her youth. Sure, it’s great to be a “guru” for a bit, to feel as though you have demonstrated at some point in your life a fair amount of your hidden potential and received the recognition you deserved; but what if, after that, everyone you met insisted on keeping you right there for the rest of your life to serve their own cravings to be “understood”, erected a persona, became acolytes and built an institution around the “idea” of you in order to essentially…serve themselves. What if you just wanted someone, ANYONE (please), to realize that you were really just kind of a goof (“for crying out loud, it was all “spiritual” and stuff; but, guys, it was also a bit of a problem when I had to pee) and laugh with them about it, grow along with you for a bit and then (mercifully) outgrow you and move on to some other circle of friends (like normal people).

    Dude, you are not becoming Wayne Dyer and Jesus REALLY understands…(poor guy). You are not destined to write 14 books on the same subject, shave your head, walk around barefoot in front of the “Source” and decide that “oh, hell…if you can’t beat ’em, might as well join ’em…” I don’t see that happening. I love you, girl; but I am decidely my own guru, thank you very much (since that’s the way it has to be for each of us or we become essentially…irrelevant, clinging to some sort of compromise rather than being who we are).

    I also told mom: “you know, I sent her a comment once; and she actually, thoughtfully, sent me an email where she seemed to be confiding a little bit to an anonymous stranger that she was having a bit of a midlife crisis. You know what I did? I sent her…a piece of fan mail in return. Upon reflection I realized that was a bit of a slap in the face. I wish I could take it back.” Please understand, Julia, it was just because I feel horribly misunderstood most of the time too (though I am really beginning to enjoy being me at 38). I pass your story on to others from time to time who have no idea who the “tree hugger” is in the picture on your book who feel that way too. They think I am more eccentric than you are for even knowing who you are. Okay, I admit, I did it to Temple Grandin too…

    Really cute picture, by the way. I have always thought that you are smokin’ hot.

    P.S. I didn’t know you were on Facebook! I’d like to invite you to my friend network, “Race Mahaffey”. I have a few articles about immigration law, health care reform, the death penalty (following some correspondence with an Iranian acquaintance) and stuff. Geez, it’s not all about YOU you know… 🙂

  3. (Is this thing on?! Well, you might be getting an emberassing number of posts from me tonight…)

    Julia, just talk about it more. Don’t worry about what you think we might want or “need” to hear.

  4. You have every right in the world to pull back and look for clarity, Julia. In fact, I think we all should. It would give us a much deeper understanding and appreciation of who we are – and what we are doing on the planet.

    Don’t take the negative projections of others too seriously. We all have a sense that the world we live in – isn’t going in the direction it should be. And often, the easiest targets to blame are the ones most visible.

    I hope you recover – and I hope you’ll come back to the web. Mostly because that is the ONLY way, some of us are ever going to see or hear what you have to say. And you can make a difference here – more than you might even imagine (and help billions and billions of people!)

    I’m going to miss you – on a personal level. Having admired you for YEARS – it’s REALLY nice to know – that you ARE as LOVELY in person – as you are in public. That’s not very common among most celebrities – in general.

    I wish you ALL THE BEST – and you have MY DEEPEST GRATITUDE – for being true to yourself – and true to the rest of the world. And most of all, I wish you come back – soon! =)

    Love,
    Mathew Titus

    PS. If and when you come back – you MIGHT want to try having a YouTube channel (apart from the one at Omega)- because seeing and hearing someone talk, often brings across emotions and sentiment – that don’t often carry well – in writing. (On a personal level – watching one of your interviews or talks – has never failed to lift my spirit – especially when I’ve given up on everyone and everything else! You’re a beautiful soul, Julia Butterfly Hill!!!)

  5. PPS. If you’re not leaving (I may have misread) – everything except the “I miss you” – still applies! =D

  6. Julia

    😉

    i feel the same as you, and i am not famous at all! Just an old woman with her heart blown wide open, with love for this wild planet, and all the wild seeds, no matter how deeply buried, lost or forsaken.

    yet, the countering opinions rise about me like mushroom clouds, apparently attracted to anything slipping outside their lines, seemingly wanting to vie for supremacy of nothing more than a mountain of air.

    i can imagine being public can make you quite the perfect bullseye! i, fortunately am older, wrinkled and enjoy an extensive invisibility, outside solar flares of love and indignation. Which bring the same (pick one) adoration or condemnation from my erstwhile “fans” as do you, although likely a lot, lot LOT less.

    yet it is enough to engender feelings such as yours described above, and i find myself frequently drawing back to re-assimilate myself, realign true to my heart, and that great, ancient, wild heart within…

    tend your heart well, Julia! Such a beautiful, rare and tender spirit needs your fierce warrior within, to ever shield its sacred fire from those wagging tongues, who extinguish what is whole and holy for trophy-sport…

    Bless us all! For we know not what we do…

  7. Julia,

    What a great reminder to really slow down and hear how much of our lives we are living because of “shoulds”. I find that sometimes it is really hard to see where I end and where everyone else begins (trying to please so many people, trying to avoid being “unhappy” because we don’t fit into the mold other people have created for us). It truly is one of the hardest things – carving out your own life, despite what others want and think.

    Thanks for your words.

    – Kif/Katherine

  8. the web world is not different from the outside real world, one is going to face the same hardships and joys, there is no difference, no matter your intention, there are friends and enemies whereever you are.
    one has simply to go on along one’s own way, re-emerging – as you say – all the times that is necessary.
    do not give in, even if the path is uphill !!
    greetings from Italy.

  9. Dear Ms. Hill,

    You say that you don’t know how much of a difference what you do makes.

    I just wanted to let you know that I think it makes a HUGE difference. At least it has for me. One real, flesh-and-blood human being out there in the vastness whom you’ve never met before. And I’d be willing to bet you that I’m not the only one.

    I first heard of you and your work through some random clips I came across via the Global Oneness Project, some time ago around when you must have just completed your video interview with them. It was in the midst of what I consider a very tumultuous and rapidly changing period in my life, during which my values were being challenged, transformed and refined in a way that had needed to happen for a long time. I was a young man striving to become more effective in my career but also to become more mindful, more conscious of my impact in the world, and the way that I connected with others.

    You spoke about fear, about losing our way in a disposability consciousness, about how we stood with one foot in a world of great potential. And then you said a few words that I’ll never forget: “If you are the only person left, as long as your hope is committed in action, then hope is alive in the world.” Through those words, and then eventually through a reading of one of your books, you crystallized a lot of what I had been thinking and feeling at that point and time. You opened up my mind even further to how I should be looking at things and assigning value and arranging my priorities. Thanks to this brilliant media of video and audio and text blogs, I was able to hear that message at just the right time and place in my life and it kept me moving in the right direction.

    Since then I’ve heard many of the things I’ve needed to hear from countless other people and sources to continue my own life’s journey, but you kept me walking that path in a way that only your words, your sentiments and your spirit could at that point and time. Not the words that anyone else put in your mouth. Your words.

    The fact that you even consider continuing to put yourself out there, knowing that you are a fragile, emotional human being like any other one of us, when many other people in your situation would have given up long ago in the face of people who oppose you outright or demand things of you that are not the genuine “you,” speaks to your ability to move people, to inspire impact, from the core of who you really are.

    I’m not so big on making blog comments, but in this moment I hope to contribute to the chorus of voices in your life that remind you that YES, you DO make a difference through your genuine public interactions and your authentic writing. You did for me, and now, hopefully all who I touch during my life. Thank you for doing so.

    Hope in action, always.
    K

  10. That’s very honest.

    Have you ever felt that you’ve done your part “for now” and probably need to live a a life for yourself so someday you may pick up where you left with a renewed spirit?

    “It’s in silence, where your true name finds you”

    A local tribe fellow told me that once. I just wanted to share that. I hope it may mean something to you.

    good evening

  11. what i’ve learned from others and personal experience… in our pure forms we are all vehicles for The One, Spirit (whatever you want to call That) to do its work-play through, for the wind to blow through the empty flute. It is important to enjoy being the flute, yet the flute sometimes has to remind people, as Dylan sings, “it ain’t me, babe”… but it IS working through me. So is it “me” or “not me”? Donovan sings “first there is a mountain, then there is no mountain, then there is.” We each have a true function, a spiritual job description, and when one learns that and becomes that and does THAT the little-self aligns with the higher-self which aligns with the One-Self-Body-Mind-Spirit. We are all/each simply talking to our-selves, either distracting each other (spiritual amnesia) OR helping each other remember (original instructions).

    PS
    from poems by Rumi (translated by Coleman Barks and John Moynes)

    The way of love is not
    a subtle argument.

    The door there
    is devastation.

    Birds make great sky-circles
    of their freedom.
    How do they learn it?

    They fall, and falling,
    they’re given wings.

    * * * * *

    The mystic flies moment to moment.
    The fearful ascetic drags along month to month.

    But also the length of a “day” to a lover
    may be fifty thousand years!

    You can’t understand this with your mind.
    You must burst open!

  12. Thank you Julia.
    With love from across the oceans, Selina

  13. The world is a changing place. A lot is happening and faster than ever in our history. We are questioning our very existance as never before. Keep up the good work. Chalange your self and your detractors.
    “There is a field beyond right doing and wrong doing. I’ll meet you there.” Rumi, A return to innocence and unity, a realization that the polarity of knowledge is arbritary and subjective at best,
    I wrote this for a loved one, It applied to Julia as well.

    Another quote, “The frames we use to present our world are arbitrary.” If it feels right to you, You got it right, Cant please all the people all the time. Someone, for what ever their motive, will surely point at you and try to make you believe you did something wrong, Chanting operator error to pin the mistake on you. That is their problem, not yours. If we never do anything we never make a mistake, except the non doing is the first mistake. The second mistake is to listen to your critics, esp. if they are you. Catch 22, ♥ Hugs
    Ive never been accused of sugar coating things, esp. when I differ in opinion. That I read, study, think about it and respond is an indication of a deeper kind of love, Love your critics as your pedestalizers. Without their love, things could get kinda lonely.

  14. re my earlier post:

    Don’t get me wrong. I like Wayne Dyer and have, in fact, read some of his books and found them of benefit (though not in precise detail, since it is his unique perspective). He deserves a great deal of respect.

    My comment was only meant to amuse you (and nobody eles), Julia.

    The only problem I see with how he has chosen to present himself in public (and there may be many valid reasons for it that I don’t understand, of course) is that he doesn’t let others see when he cracks under the pressures of every day living, and in particular in response to the pressures of being widely received, having to market himself to some degree, being a public speaker, etc. Everyone, everyone, everyone cracks, sometimes deeply, and falls hard from time to time and needs others to step in and spoon feed them breakfast. I don’t believe for one instant that Mr. Dyer has found a permanent solution to this.

    What interests me is that you have the courage, though obviously reluctantly (just like the rest of us), to show the cracks in your armor, shallow or deep, from time to time. This is current and relevant to each of us. That you would do such a thing, given the risk of the broad exposure that a lot of us could not handle gracefully, shows that you are a person of fierce integrity all by itself. It really has nothing to do with Luna at all, though perhaps it is among the lessons she gave you. We’ll never really know in detail what she passed on because we never sat in a tree, most of us, probably, for more than a day; but we get to see the benefits in how you cope with everday living today.

    This “confession” of yours is good stuff. Tell us more about the problem. So few of our role models are willing to do that. It has it’s rewards for certain for us as well as, I believe, for you. The word “freedom” comes to mind.

  15. I LOVE how human you are Julia!!! I adore it. Even when you are uninspiring, blown and listing, I am filled with such love for you.

    Your heart is so gorgeous. If you were an apple pie I would frame you. If you were a word, I’d repeat it all day until everyone said shut up already Ken that’s so annoying I mean reeeally. If you were an idea, I would tell no one and never patent you because I couldn’t bear to know inferior Chinese knockoffs were somewhere being made with slightly annoying alterations and english instructions bad written to read for you to make.

    I achingly need you out there – with that poise no one compares or assimilates. With your water bottle and forks. Your tears, heart and laugh. Your words, words, words that are so in tune with something amazing, timeless and true. I need a thousand of you surrounding me, everyday. I want to be annoyed by crowds of you, pushing and shoving me into blissful solitude (because I’ll need to get away from you)!

    And I achingly need you to fade from the limelight if your soul cries to. I and countless others would sulk, but understand. We’d miss you more than you’d know… because you’re funny… you’re inspiring… you’re so loving… and…

    You’re so sensitive! That’s part of your beauty! It’s no wonder curt words hurled by anonymous angry snipers will strike your heart (over and over). Your heart is on your sleeve; the fortune of those who need to absorb its luster, but the ready target of those who fear. We know your position Julia. Our gratitude to you is endless and forever (I pray, pray you feel it).

    Before I launched kenny.org I sent you an email and asked if I could interview you and you said yes. I had no site up, no background, visitors or real reason for you to give me your time. But you did. And that interview helped me gain more interviews and a confidence to keep going. I can’t celebrate you enough for you being you. For showing me that it is important to try, trust, love and work from the heart. Thank you so much for that.

    Why do I get the feeling there are thousands of lives you have impacted equally?

    Man, you have no idea how you rule! I hope you work through any frustrations and find more happiness, focus, love and purpose in your life. You deserve it – like a warm, sumptuous, vegan apple pie made by those who adore you. Like a warm blanket. Like a warm hug. Like that feeling we readers get… by reading your words. 🙂

    Loving your imperfections, heart and amazing humanity,

    Ken

  16. Public figures/celebrities always have to put up with the projections of the public. It’s part of the price of the celebrity they’ve sought.
    I think too often the public projects the better aspects of their own personality onto celebrities/public figures who act as the spokespersons for their inner wants. If I want to be heard as a “savior” of the forest or some other cause, a person like you becomes the carrier of that part of my personality. Perhaps the public lacks the media skills, the good looks or is just too shy to assume the role. So you got the job, good lookin’!!
    This is a wonderful psychological arraignment until the celebrity/public figure doesn’t live up to the inner ideal.

    ~~ Sometimes the public figure in reality isn’t as wonderful as the wonderful aspect of ourselves we’ve mistakenly projected onto them.

    I hope someday people just go out and quietly become their heroes and do things to better the world without waiting for celebrities and public figures to do it for them.

  17. I’m glad I don’t have your guts, Julia. I get to keep my head down and just do my own thing. Your work is appreciated, and I hope you’ll continue to share your thoughts here (especially since I just found out about your blog and this is the first post I’ve seen)!

  18. as usual, i am feeling that we are kindred spirits!
    love to you julia
    ♥ kat

  19. Looks like there are some people here who understand a bit what it must be like to have people argue with your opinions who have never even met you, sometimes making it personal, and some people who support your opinions, and make it a form of worship. It must be awful some times to feel as though the worst mistake you could make is to “argue” with even one of your supporters or, perhaps, embrace one or more of your detractors. You are not allowed. You have responsibilities, the unfortunate hardship associated with fame that so many label a privilege. Like the red wheelbarrow, “so much depends” upon the work you do for others, for the forests, for the world, for Luna.

    Personally, I can barely stand the strain of having even too many acquaintances, often professional but also very often associated with activities I enjoy, whom I often feel I have to approach on their own terms most of the time. It wears me down; and I’m not even famous! Not even close…

    It’s good to be me, though. It’s good to be a contemporary of Julia Butterfly Hill, too, whoever the heck she is.

  20. Hugs and love!

  21. Julia
    never forget about the love and inspiration so many of us feel for you! We only want you to be at peace and healthy….however you decide to obtain that is a daily changing dance!…. Your boating friends in FM

  22. Julia, I just read your book for the first time. You are so inspiring, and your heart is in the right place. I canceled my facebook recently, and re-emerged with an alias so I could just reveal myself to closest friends and family. You are such a public figure, and so must be inundated with everyone’s causes. Just do what you can and let the rest go. We all give you permission. This world of troubles is overwhelming–we all feel that. You have done more than many of us combined already, and we love you for it.
    God’s blessings to you, forever.
    Bonnie

  23. Okay, this is the last one. I promise. If you want to feel better just check out Crosby, Stills and Nash at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. “So you missed the sixties, huh kid? Let us show you how we let OUR freak flags fly…”

    They are ON to something; and I think it is something to really look forward to. They don’t look like they are “performing” for…anybody.

  24. Thanx for the raw real emergence, it is so touching to my soul, body, & mind. Being a drug addict in recovery, I truely grasp the need for change on a deeper level. My life depends on me staying clean, & working a program that will help identify where my problems occur, how I handle them, or not, & to find a better way. I have heard you also speak about how our society is addicted to dirty energy, oil, nuclear, & how it will take something like 50,000 life times for the earth to compost the nuclear waste. I don’t know where I’m going with all this Julia, but I’m glad I clicked on this blog tonight.I’m just kicking it with some peeps who live @ a sober clean house, with two new sponcy’s, who I help work the program, & we keep each other clean. I’m here in Bend & won’t be able to make the food FUN event you & yaw friends are doing but it sowndz amazing , I hope y’all raise lots of funds, to help further this great work. As always you help inspire me to make better choices & create a more sustainable today, for all our tomrrow’s. Love, Stacy

  25. I really enjoy reading your writing and appreciate your honesty. I think many of us reading this have the same thoughts and feelings and it can be tough.

  26. jbh just wanted to remind you you have a lot of unseen iceberg behind you. it would be better to guide the flow then just disappear. happy thoughts sbv

  27. Simply, thank you. We benefit from your sharing and we’ll be ok if you don’t want to “talk” to us anymore. We’ve all got our paths to walk. I read your blog because it makes me think critically and reflect. I think many of us relate to you. We relate to each other too, but we’re not as famous so it’s not as fun to compare ourselves to each other. There is just something about famous public people. We’re fascinated by them. And since you gained this incredible popularity, you are going to get good and bad attention. I often question if your popularity is a blessing for you or not. When you write a post like this, I feel you might not be so blessed. Then I read all the comments about the lives you have touched and changed and I think for every one of those stories, there are a hundred more. Then, I think you are very blessed. And then I think I am blessed too.

    Love,
    Bree

  28. As most of the times I thought I didn’t really have anything noticeable to write to you as a comment, however I’m going to write few lines in the hope this may be of some use to you. I don’t make the difference, but it’s not that the reason I do things. Whenever I choose to publish on my blog or similar some announcement for a campaign of some kind or stuff like that I do it only because I think it has to be done. As simple as that. I don’t really know if it’s good to say this but look, when I started doing comics I was a kid thinking it would have been nice to draw something able to give the reader emotions just like the comics I was used to read. With the time my aspirations changed: I wanted to do something able to make the readers think, something that talked about things which usually are not on everyone’s mouth but are still of importance. That was a while ago, I still have to find a way to publish my things and those stories I have made are a long way from what I was looking for (for many reasons, probably not one of which are any good at all). Saying that i still write comics in the hope to do something good would be more o less a lie: I do it because I need it. I don’t know why you do the things you do (not always, at least), I follow your blog because your book made me think, and some of your blog posts too, my hope is to give you something useful to think about, whether it’s just a point of view or some kind of idea. I don’t expect anything from you, if that is of any comfort. I have the feeling that many of those who write on your blog just want to be of some support, they don’t think you are obliged to them in any way, but that is just a feeling: I can’t talk for the others. I’ve been long enough, kind of pointless too so i’ll stop here. Stay well.

    M.P.

  29. I think this is a beautiful note, Julia.

  30. Thank You to everyone for sharing your thoughts, ideas, and feelings. i appreciate you all taking the time.

    Love,

    julia

  31. Julia,

    Am in Butterfly Bay, Mall of America, with my nephew Brae. It’s not a dream, but “should” be (or is it?) Children walking about with monarchs, blue morphos, and zebras on their hands and heads. All of us captives. Thinking of you in a display of chrysalises; sacred awakenings — your words about enduring the struggle of metamorphosis. Now blogged again: “re-emerge: to come into being through evolution”. Yet, even the definitions are a series of mistakes: “Flutter-by” becomes “Butterfly”. Mistaken personas. Then a Gypsy pipes up: “It’s in silence, where your true name finds you”.

    Wings grow stronger. Still must wait.

    Thanks,

    Richard

  32. I read Operation Redwood and ever sence then I have been attached to Redwood Trees!

  33. I just found your blog – a lot of what you’ve written echoes exactly what I am thinking! Thank you so much for this and for the supportive words.

  34. DEAR jULIA..WONDERFULL EXPRESSIONS.YOU ARE LOVE[D]..

  35. Julia, just continue to try to do the right thing.
    Of all the people on this planet, you may not be a superhero, but you are, in my opinion, one of the purest souls. I hope you can continue on that way. Greetings and love, Dimitri.

    PS I don’t have the luxury of being able to afford internet myself right now, so unfortunately, I rarely get to read your blog anymore, one of the nicer things on this often malused internet!
    Still, I hope you continue to write!
    Bye for now, and ‘see’ you later…


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: