OK. So no matter how good my intentions are, the reality check is that I am just not going to get around to covering my Italy trip. I am in New Jersey after having been in New York for a week and then headed back to New York after my Jersey trip. I had such a wonderful, amazing, awful, gut-wrenching, annoying, disgusting, fabulous, incredible, beautiful, magical trip in Italy, and the reality is that I don’t have it in me to power out all the details of that and keep up with where I am now. So… I am choosing to be here now. Which means, I am choosing not to go into the Italy trip even though there is so much to tell.
So, to be here now. I am visiting a dear friend in New Jersey. It is beautiful here. So many trees. And the leaves are just beginning to change color. I did a benefit last night in New York City for my friend’s Kavitha and Jeff and their organization Common Fire. The event was in a penthouse in an eco-tower in NYC. It had a beautiful view of the river and the crazy city and the sun-set and the moon-rise. It was a cage with a grand view. The wild animal that I am can’t help but feel completely alien in moments like that. A cage, even one made of gold, is still a cage. And yet, so many people do not experience places like New York City as a cage. Somehow, the animals that we are are so adaptable, that after being in cages for a long time, we recognize them as home and don’t feel comfortable outside of them. But the wild animal that I am cries out for space, silence, sunshine, trees, ocean, sky, moon. The wild animal that I am feels protective walls building up around me as a way to handle the onslaught of sensory overload. I need space to breathe. I need space to be. I need space.
I took a fun test with my friends, Sharon and Julie the other day. I had to answer questions by placing an “x” in the appropriate box in lines with letters associated. There was one and only one column, where I had an “x” in every single box in that column. The column was the letter “I.” When the test was done, I asked Sharon, “What does ‘I’ stand for?” She laughed and smiled her knowing smile and said, “It stands for ‘Introvert’.” But of course. The irony of my life is that somehow I feel compelled to share my life, my experiences, my learnings with people, even though, what I most long for is silence, alone time, to disappear.
So I sit here in a kitchen in New Jersey, writing bits of pieces of windows of my reality knowing that when left to my own devices, like a wild animal, I just disappear.
Here is to the silence, the breathing, the being, the heartbeat creating a cadence that each of us must follow.