Recently, i have had someone who is very clear about their dislike of me and has been very mean and advocating violence in how they choose to react to me.
i notice within myself, the initial reaction of anger, frustration, and judgment… i mean like really!!! (Everything i have done in my “activism” has been peaceful. What is wrong with people that they say such hateful and violent things to someone who has only done peaceful things!!?) Mostly, i just notice how much judgment arises in me in such moments. i can be a REAL meanie!!!!!! in my thoughts!!!! But because of the work i have done on myself over all these years, i notice pretty quickly how judgmental i become, how condescending in my thoughts, how i create an “other” so easily in moments like these.
Being in the public eye is very hard for me, but at the same time it holds me so much more accountable than i know i would be if i wasn’t under scrutiny. i am a human being, and i know that without the public spotlight, i would fall to my “lesser” self a lot more than i do. The spotlight sets the bar higher for myself than i might set for myself otherwise. Yes, this is me being completely open and honest about my humanity. It isn’t the first time and it won’t be the last.
i know that i am committed to transforming my “reaction” and instad dropping into my most authentic and present self. The present self does not react because reaction is based on the past. The present self, takes a deep breath, and senses out the best way to respond vs. react. When i am completely present, i know that the person saying rude, hateful and violent things to me is reacting to me; defending what they feel is threatened.
When i am completely present, i know i do not need to react and defend; there is only the place i choose to stand. So, i take the deep breath, and CHOOSE to stand in love and compassion (even though there is definitely the piece of myself that would just love to beat the crap out of certain people ; ) i know that part of myself is the reacting, defensive, stuck in the past person. The present being i know i can be, and authentically am, knows that i do not need to defend; only love and stand fiercely in love in all the ways it manifests. i know that keeping my commitment to being present and loving makes ME a better person. i can not control how other people act and react. i can only control how i choose to show up and respond in the face of what life sends my way. In this commitment, i recognize this mean, hateful, angry person is my teacher, my angel. What we “know” untested is merely an idea. An idea that gets tested over and over becomes a stronger muscle that we can use to accomplish our goals and visions for a better world.
Instead of being hurt and angry by the person, which only drains my joy, energy, passion, and power; i can instead find a sense of peace and empowerment through the trial, through the “workout” of the muscle of my heart. In this place instead of being drained and held back by my judgments; i am inspired and empowered to transform the hatred in our world to love, compassion, and possibility for a more caring and compassionate world… because it first has to start with me.
So, even though i notice my initial “triggers” what i am left with is a sense of gratitude for the lessons and the opportunity to grow.
So, “Thank You” to my angel who came disguised as a person filled with hatred and vitriol. i am a better person from the experience.
May we all find ways to heal ourselves and the world around us through every experience life sends our way.
Love and Gratitude,