Even in the face of, “Love Is All There Is” my heart breaks, and my woundedness arises. I “know” all the “Truth of Transformation and Oneness.” But to “know” and to BE it 100% of the time are two completely different things. I am a human being. And the human condition includes the challenge, the tension, between, the knowing, the being, and the doing.
I write as I live: Raw, Real, and Wide-Open. Sometimes I am soft and yielding. Sometimes I am fierce and forceful. Sometimes I inspire people. Sometimes I piss them off. Sometimes, people judge the hell out of me. Sometimes people put me on pedestals.
I write because I have been doing it in one form or another for most of my life. It is cathartic and teaching for me. I started sharing it publicly because people requested that I do. And my prayer is that in my sharing, that it helps in some way. Even if it pisses people off. Maybe they will learn something from that. And maybe they won’t. Maybe I will. And maybe I won’t.
Because I am a public person, and I put it “ALL” out there, I get SO much and So many projections. I do my best to look for the gems of what rings as “truth” to me and compost the rest. Even in all the accolades and positive reflections, I learned early on to know that even that is not all me. It is enticing to want to accept all of the goodness—it feels so good to one’s heart… and one’s ego. It is enticing to shove away all the negative and angry remarks—I am a human being after all, and I have a ridiculously sensitive heart…it is both my gift and my curse. But if I were to take on ALL the goodness reflected, I would very quickly become someone I would not want to be. Because I am human I have my shadow side, my far less than perfect side. And if I do not claim and own that part of myself as well then I very quickly become dis-eased because I am actually no longer whole. If I take on the negative too much, I end up trying to be the “pleaser” which is not authentic either. So, I do my best to look into every comment for the gems and then compost the rest—because then it can still serve. : ) Different from resisting or shoving away or ignoring, composting requires attention and intention to become the rich fertile soil of my soul. I do not always succeed at my commitments. But I do my best to learn from my failures and grow from them.
And I continue to share it all: the best, the worst, the silly, the profound, the hurt, the joy, the anger, and the love. Because it is all me. Those who wish, read. Those who do not, sometimes read just to see if they can find a new way to attack and poke fun at me. : ) My we humans are such fascinating creatures. And I am completely including myself in the “we.”
I am in such an interesting place right now. SO much is coming up for me on so many levels. Some of it is bringing untold amounts of joy, some of it is pushing every one of my buttons—hell, some of it is jumping up and down on the buttons. : )
And so I write. To get outside some of what is inside, so I might potentially get a better view. And sometimes, just so I can clear some space for newness to arise.
Even when I am hurt and angry and cynical, sooner or later, I always return to choosing love. For NO REASON. I made a commitment with the Universe many years ago now. I am here to live a life of integrity and loving, joyous, service. There is no “reason” attached to that purpose. I choose to love for the sake of loving. I choose joy for the sake of joy. I choose service for the sake of service. There is no asterisk, exemption, exception clause in my compact with the Cosmos, even though sometimes I behave that way. And so when I do. When I notice my anger and cynicism is filling up the space, I know that I have attached “reasons” to my purpose—which means I am, wait for it, drum roll…. OUT OF INTEGRITY!!! Damn!
Sometimes, my fierceness is misinterpreted as anger or cynicism when that is not the truth at all. Sometimes my fierceness is anger and cynicism. My job is to pay attention, know the difference, remain present and allow myself to be me—all of me—even as I am committed to always growing me to the best of my ability. To “own” what is mine to own and to compost what is not.
I appreciate people’s comments in all their myriad forms because I learn from them. Even when I get hurt or triggered by them or when they are sweet and loving. I am committed to learning from it all.
I hope and pray that others learn too—even if not from my writing but from one another’s comments. There are gems in all of it for all of us—if we only care to look and choose it as learning. Even when people get mad or angry or “nauseated” as some have said by my writing, if they choose, they can learn something from that. But that’s not my work. My work is to do my best to live my life on purpose, notice when I am not, learn what I need to learn and integrate that learning so that I might become ever more the person I am committed to Being and Doing!
With Love For No Reason,