i turned 36 on February 18th. i am finally feeling like i am beginning to know what it is to be me. i don’t really know how to explain it other than to say it’s like for so long, i have felt that my life and my very self have been a bit out of my grasp– not quite connected or relating. This is not to say that i have not been fully and presently living my life, because for the most part i have. It is more that i feel like i am beginning to settle into myself– rooting and dropping into myself. i am feeling more comfortable in my own skin (i mean, i still got issues for sure–boooorrrriiinnnggg) but somehow, i feel less freaked out by my body, less freaked out by intimacy, less freaked out by staying in one place for longer than a second, less freaked out by claiming, speaking, and acting on what i truly long for.
i write about so much of what i am going through, not so that people will reassure (or in some cases attack) me, but because i feel like one of the best gifts i have to offer is my humanness in the journey. The issues we face as a species are pretty huge, but if we look underneath every issue, we find the Disease of Disconnect that begins first with the disconnect from ourselves and then spreads out from there. When we become disconnected from our personal self, it becomes much, much easier to become disconnected from the rest of the world and planet– which is truly just an extension of “self.” There really is no separation.
i recognize that life is a constant journey, a constant inquiry. i am not saying i have “it” all figured out or even that i know what “it” is. It’s more like, maybe, what i am feeling is that i am growing up. Funny, that.
Tomorrow, we are holding an event where a film will be shown from my time in Luna– it was filmed at about day 40-something. It is hillarious to see how young i looked and sounded then! i, actually, can’t watch the film all the way through. i don’t watch any of the documentaries i have participated in. It’s too intense for me. i relive 2 of the most intense and powerful years of my life, in that small time. Plus, films done about me are weird because they are someone else’s view and editing of me. People often say, “i saw YOUR film!” And i always reply with, “No, you didn’t. i have never done a film.” i have allowed people to film me and use it in their films and work, but that is MUCH different from me doing a film myself. So, another reason i do not watch films about me or much media in general done on me is becsause i do not want that having an influence who i am becoming. i can’t live my life trying to be what others want or see–positive or negative. i can only live my life following what i feel is most in alignment and integrity for me.
Tomorrow’s event also honors the anniversary of my 10 years of returning to Terra Firma from Luna’s branches (December 18th was the actual anniversary.) i am very, very present to the incredible people who were involved in the tree-sit– from before i got there, to during my time in Luna to the people i have worked with in all the years since. It has been, and continues to be, the most incredible and amazing journey.
Thank you to all of you have been so supportive of this journey over all these years. And thank you even to those of you who have not been supportive, and in some cases, even attacking– this has taught me so much about myself.
In this moment, i am so grateful for this journey, this birthday, and “growing up.”