Thanks For Caring and Sharing

Thanks so much to everyone who responded with such care, thoughts, and advice to my last post.  I appreciate very much your taking the time to write.  

I had to laugh to myself to the dear soul who thought I was too transformed to go through dark nights of my soul.  If only I were that transformed.  But then again, if I was, then I would probably be whatever “enlightened” means and would leave my physical form.

The work I do with people is all about embracing our humanity–the good, the bad, the in between, everything– so that we may find within ourselves what extraordinary truly is– extra ordinary.  People we see as extraordinary are every day, ordinary people who choose to not allow their ordinariness to stop them from doing wonderful and great acts.  

I am oh, so  human.  Ask those closest to me– they will tell you that on one hand, I am incredibly committed, and the flip side of that same coin is a stubborn streak that can sometimes be detrimental and at the very least, a pain in the butt to work with.  They will tell you that I am courageous and the flip side of the same coin can sometimes be reckless.  They will tell you that I have a high level of integrity and the flip side of the same coin is that I can sometimes be rigid and not allow people to be where they are in their own growth stage.  This, and oh so much more, they could share about just how human I am.  For each and every one of us, our strengths and challenges are flip sides of the exact same coin.  Part of our work is to uncover which side of the coin we are operating from, moment to moment, such that we can more fully work from our strengths instead of our defense mechanisms, old patterns and stories.

This thing called life–I am not sure if I really get it.  But I don’t let that stop me from giving it my best shot anyway.  As long as I am here on this planet, I will always do my best to embrace my humanity such that I can find windows through my soul into the infinite Cosmos that allows for my spirit to soar free.  After all, we butterflies love to fly.

Love,

julia

Seems Such A Fine Line

Funny how joy and sorrow are such powerful dance partners.  The heart opens like a flower to joy and breaks open like a geode to sorrow.  It seems the sorrow so often feels like it is ancient–like it comes from many past lifetimes.  

I have been in this dance lately.  I have been experiencing some pretty deep grief, and it has taken all of my commitment to not run and hide from it.  My response to my difficult experiences growing up was to “check out.”  If I can’t check out physically, then I check out emotionally and mentally.  This is my self-protective defense mechanism when I am experiencing being hurt by people or situations.

I feel a bit like the boxer who keeps getting knocked down and somehow manages to dig deep and pull themselves up again, even with eyes so swollen they can barely see, and a brain whirling from the onslaught.  My heart feels as pulverized.  And yet, I know to go back to old patterns of “checking out” is to choose to let go of all the lessons I have learned in my challenging life.  I keep a driver’s license from many years ago in my life to remind me the price of this way of being.  You look in my face in the picture and there is no one there.  My father said that time in my life scared him more than anything–even more than my living in a tree– because in the tree I was fully alive, but at the time in my life when the driver’s photo was taken, I was part of the walking dead.

So, I continue to choose to keep my heart open, even as tears carve what feels like canyons of grief into my cheeks.  I know that life is all about impermanence and this too shall pass.  But sometimes, it’s hard as hell to not tuck tale and run or scream and rage and fight like I could kill.  Guess that’s what goes with the territory of being an animal–fight or flight–lest we forget.  But then, I am reminded that I have a being beyond mere biology that tells me I have the power to choose.  And so, here I go again, choosing Love, especially because it is difficult.

Please be extra kind and loving to anyone you see hurting right now.  Even if they are expressing their pain in a not so nice way.  Remember, they are just trapped in their fight or flight mode and a little love and compassion has the potential to go a very long way.

Love,

julia